Listening to God's voice so that we can participate in God's dream for the world.
SO, I finally got the results from the diocesan Discernment Committee and it is a NO. that’s right folks according to the diocese of long island, no call for me. My story merely reflects a deepening relationship with God or I didn’t tell the right story or I didn’t say the right thing or something. OR I have actually no call.
At this point, just crying and praying my way through it all.
In her we recognize God’s practice of inviting ordinary people to step out in faith and become part of turning the world upside down.
I don’t know where this came from, but I wrote it a while ago and it seems like a profound statement in itself. I am not sure that I said it.
Priesthood:
As a priest, it will be your task to proclaim by word and deed the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and to fashion your life in accordance with its precepts. You are to love and serve the
people among whom you work, caring alike for young and old, strong and weak, rich and poor. You are to preach, to declare God’s forgiveness to penitent sinners, to pronounce God’s blessing, to share in the administration of Holy Baptism and in the celebration of the mysteries of Christ’s Body and Blood, and to perform the other ministrations entrusted to you.
In all that you do, you are to nourish Christ’s people from the riches of his grace, and strengthen them to glorify God in this life and in the life to come.
Deaconate:
My brother, every Christian is called to follow Jesus Christ, serving God the Father, through the power of the Holy Spirit. God now calls you to a special ministry of servanthood directly under your bishop. In the name of Jesus Christ, you are to serve all people, particularly the poor, the weak, the sick, and the lonely.
As a deacon in the Church, you are to study the Holy Scriptures, to seek nourishment from them, and to model your life upon them. You are to make Christ and his redemptive love known, by your word and example, to those among whom you live, and work, and worship. You are to interpret to the Church the needs, concerns, and hopes of the world. You are to assist the bishop and priests in public worship and in the ministration of God’s Word and Sacraments, and you are to carry out other duties assigned to you from time to time. At all times, your life and teaching are to show Christ’s people that in serving the helpless they are serving Christ himself.
When I look at these two calls, I get it. I get why deaconal is what people are seeing, but here is an offer I would like to make–What if the person who connected the church to the community actually was able to give the sacraments? How much more powerful would be that connections. For being to see this person engaging religion and them at the same time instead of saying, now that you are all connected–go that way to get a blessing? I don’t know if that makes sense at all, but it is something that I find important when I think about ministry. What if our ministry really was out there instead of in here?
I still struggle with what I am doing with my life at this point–I go to work and I come home. For me that is so much, I have little left for anything else. I have been going to the gym. My goal is to get my body right since I have been doing all this inside work. But at this point I feel like I am not doing a lot of different things, but none of them are really speaking to my spirit. We’ll see if these Wednesday things begin to get me excited about life again. I am not sad about life, but just present waiting to know what the next step is. What is going to happen after this year is over, where I will be living, working, how I will be making money to pay off debt. All these things are really too much to handle…. Who really knows what the future holds. God, what’s up?
I am currently reading a book by R.R. Reno entited “In the Ruins of the Church.” It is an intriguing book and while he pushes my ability to read highbrow, intellectual, overly professorial works of non-fiction, I am still finding a great deal of spiritual and intellectual challenge. His basic argument is this: the modern world thinks that the problem with Christianity is belief in implausible stories and myths, so if we just make those stories more plausible then we can make more people want to be Christian. Reno believes this to be crap and that our real challenge in engaging with Christianity is that we are not able to submit to the cross, to Christ and therefore experience true personal transformation, not just a surface transformation of understanding moral codes.
I beg to differ. I don’t think it is just that people want to make the church hip and I for sure don’t think that it is a lack of desired engagement with true personal transformation through submission and giving up of ones power. For me on my own journey–its a little of both. In this book he keeps speaking of the original Christianity or “true” Christianity. But that true Christianity has been utilized to justify a variety of un-Christian teachings in order to meet the needs of the day–always has. To understand Christ is not to just understand transformation through resurrection, but a constant cycle of death and resurrection. That as we think we know and have changed, Christ isn’t done yet. Easter was not just on that sacred day, but it is today, Good Friday is today and each of experiences that cycle through out our lives. As we go through the cycle different mysteries of the truth of the Gospel are revealed to us. So is the church really just trying to be a part of some spiritual fad or in a discerning process on how to be the best church that ministers today’s people, in today’s time and cultural context. Contrary to Reno’s argument, I thoroughly believe in cultural context as a factor in understanding the world around us.
While I do think that cultural context is one part of the equation for doubt, I would also agree that submission to the will and truth of God is also in affect. As a modern, educated woman, I am in love with being in charge of a lot of things. Mostly, my own life. Surrendering to God is some seriously difficult stuff. For the past two months, I have been playing “I surrender all” on my bassoon in hopes that maybe it will eventually help in the process, but getting there is so much more difficult than one can imagine. Not wanting radical personal transformation is not what draws me from the cross, it is the doing. To desire and to do are two drastically different things.
As I have conversations with friends and families, we are all, in one way or another, seeking a deeper relationship with the divine. We are all in need of a life center in God over things. But the ways we get there will be difficult. Surrender is one part of the conversation, but maybe also our context and cultures play a role in how we get to that place of divine centeredness?
Now I must leave this with a disclaimer—I am only on page 57 of this work so things might change as I learn and read more and compare with what else I read and learn and pray about. For me this is spiritual journey, this is the way to the cross and the way to submission
As I think about my desire to do integrative ministry as a part of my call, it is suggested that I practice this in reality. So here’s the idea:
I can’t decide what I want to do. I have followed the Vesper outline and re-written it to include readings that are more secular and prayers. But I am not sure if that is the right path. There is something saying that the eating and talking over the meal is the most important piece.
Maybe its a little pray, pray at the beginning either on Wed., Thurs., or Friday evenings followed by a fellowship time that has non-alcoholic options, as well as wine/beer, and mostly community discussion time. All this to say, are there folks out there doing these kinds of 20’s-30’s groups in cosmopolitan areas? Do you have any best practices to share? I started a 20-30’s group in Burlington that was pretty successful and growing, but we didn’t do any on-going activities, more once a month. So I am trying to gage how best to move forward with this. Also, I think that it would be nice to have people participate that aren’t just young professionals, cross-generational, class, race, gender, etc… gathering is always a far more interesting experience. The questions is how to appeal to this vast group. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
I am currently working on this conference for the fall. We want it to have a huge audience generated through grassroots efforts. So, let me know what you think about the state of our planet.
So there have been a variety of things to distract me for the past couple of weeks-hence no postings. But I am going to try to get back on the horse with this hopefully brief reflection.
1. Learning to say no: Last week I played an Opera which was one of the most draining musical experiences of my life–and not in a good way. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do, but I did it out of a sense of obligation. My therapist said, “you do that a lot. Why can’t you just say no?” The answer is probably longer than I have time for right now, but it goes something like this: fear of disappointing others, a self-sacrificial syndrome, fear of break or harming relationships if I say no to things I don’t want to do, etc… The weird thing is I can say no in really mean ways and in extreme circumstances, but not in the mundane everyday things. For example, can you take me shopping to this or that place because I don’t have a car. My response, sure. Then the event happens, it’s taken up most of my day and I’m bitter. But setting limits would have made me less bitter, not an asshole. for example, I could say, yes, but I can only spend two hours doing this activity and then I need to do other things. That is often very hard for me. It will be a new skill to practice, especially if I think that I want to pursue a career where you could give all of yourself away too quickly. To give is not a bad thing, to have nothing left to live–bad idea!!
2. Avoiding personal truth by not engaging with my writing and not blogging will not stop me from having to encounter it. As I watch the Olympics (my favorite athletic event ever), I see folks push themselves to the limit not because they will win, just because they want to know how much they can put out there. They are engaged in their bodies in a way that connects them to others rather than separates. It’s such a beautiful thing to watch. But then I realize am I really pushing my limits, emotional, intellectual, and physical. How do I find the energy in my body and my spirit to be able to do that? I think you just do it and see what happens. There are times that I don’t want to go to a dance class and then it is amazing, not all the time. But maybe those times of amazing are worth the other times of, “why did I decide to do this?” Just maybe.
In 20 years I will be 51, inching toward 52. My mom will be 83. When one says, 2032, I am think–no way, that is a long time from now. But in reality it is just around the corner. Here is a video from china about “the future we want” campaign, it highlights some of folks hopes. Warning, really cute baby in the video:
I must reflect on what that is going to look like for me…interesting to think about and also terrifying. What would life as a priest be like in 2032?
The greatest gift I am learning from the discernment process is patience. To sit for 45 minutes to an hour and listen to another person’s story is a forced method of listening. But how do I listen, what do I hear? The goal is to listen without judgement and that is probably the most difficult piece. It is very hard to hear people say a variety of things and not react. But forced silence has helped me greatly. After years of trying to monitor my responses to people, I have learned that it can only happen when one sits still and listens. I have to dig into why this thing is bothering me so much. What is the deeper pain below the snark? Once I understand this, I can begin to respond from a place of love and true understanding rather than judgement and frustration.
One thing that came up during our gatherings is the concept of saying, “I’m blessed and highly favored.” The person who spoke about this comment is a very nice person. Probably more evangelical in the historic sense than I am. This person’s work seems to positively impact their community and they have talents that are beneficial for the church. However, that phrase causes an intense reaction for me. At the time I didn’t know how to ask a question about this statement, but here’s my attempt.
THE ISSUES
When I have heard people say, “I am blessed and highly favored,” what I have heard at the end of that statement is “and you are not.” My own feelings of inadequacy as a Christian in outward practice feels attacked. And for those who do not practice my religious tradition, I have also seen them feel alienated by such words. There is an act of claiming ones blessings that I envy. To proclaim that you are a child of God and blessed in this way–even when the world is a mess, is a beautiful thing. However, how does one make that statement in a way that doesn’t alienate, but embraces that all are blessed by the gifts of the creator. That to wake up and take breath is a blessed thing. How can I in that statement, proclaim that I am filled with the Holy Spirit and she (the holy spirt) is attempting to connect to you too, or maybe she is living in your too.
The second layer is “highly favored.” I think this phrase stings more than anything else. Conceptually, to be highly favored means that there are some who are not highly favored. From a literal point of view, we can’t all be highly favored, if we are all highly favored then we would just all be favored. And if we are all favored, then we are just here; no favoritism would be present. Favored comes from the concept of having a favorite: one that is elevated higher than another.
SIDE NOTE: The idea that God raises up some more than others contrasts my understanding of God. I believe that God is trying to work in all of us to be the best of ourselves, to share our talents with others so that our world will work better and bring the kingdom of heaven to earth. (Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven). The problem is that God gave us this thing called free will, so we can choose to listen to that small quiet voice guiding us in the right way or we can choose to ignore that annoying thing and move on with our lives. There is always a choice. If we choose to follow the spirit, there will be wonderful and beautiful results–not that it’s gonna be an easy road, but the results will be awesome
THE CONCLUSION:
Maybe we can come up with a new phrase that exhibits the essence of what I think is trying to be said, “I am feeling the power of God in my spirit and so I walk this earth without want. I feel so connected to God and his will that my soul feel congruent with the will of God. I know that God has a plan for you too and I pray that you too are walking in this spirit of alignment between will and choice.”
Now I don’t know if that is exactly what that phrase is actually saying. But that’s what I am going to go with. If others have interpretations of this phrase, I would love to hear how you feel about it. What are some other ways we can say, “I am blessed and highly favored, and so are you”, instead of “I am blessed and highly favored, and you are not.” How do we convey one’s intent and recognize the possible impact? So that’s a lot, but I really am asking. It’s something I contemplate a lot. How does one demonstrate faith practice in a way that embrace rather than alienate and stratify society.
So after my not so good Monday, I went to music camp for a day trip and a dip in the pond. It was amazing. On Wednesday, the day looked like it was going to be a little overcast, but all of a sudden the puffy white clouds in the sky seemed to avoid the sun. They decided to flank the cloud like a picture. I drove down to Center Pond in Nelson, NH and it was again a reminder of how great God is.
It was the second time I had that feeling of how awesome the world is. I felt a little hesitant walking into the water this time. I stood at the edge with my toes dipped in watching the salamanders and little fish swim around. I don’t know what was stopping me. There is a part of me that realized how seperated from nature I have been since I moved back to NYC. The bugs were freaking me out, the nature all around seemed strange and weird. But it is all a part of creation. Eventually, I realized that some guys in a truck were coming down, I thought to go out in boats, but they were doing construction. So I went in to avoid the humans. As soon as I went under and felt the cold water around my body, I felt like I was being baptized. As I laid on my back and saw the beautiful skies above, I felt so refreshed. After a good float, I swam back to the rock, the famous rock where I first heard the voice tell me to pursue.
This time the voice didn’t have much to say, but it did show me. There they were: the little lambs were grazing. The sky was that same bluest sky blue, the water was a mirror, the trees were real green. God didn’t have to say anything, because God is…with me, i me, and all around me helping me through the mess. Even here in the city. It’s time to stay connected to nature and music, they are a great way to enhance my spiritual life. Tomorrow is my second spiritual direction meeting with a new person. I hope Fr. Mark is the rock star everyone makes him out to be. It will be good for me. We will see how this goes…I’ll keep you posted.
Pursuing Call 