Fat attraction

So I recently went to a Mental Health Professional who told me that if I lost weight and went to over eaters annonymous a lot of my problems that I was describing would be solved. It would come to an end. 30-40 lbs of weight loss would eradicate any issues of self-doubt and confidence, and all the other crap that I carry, blah. Needless to say that I never went back to him and now owe him $125 for missing my follow up appointment, which I plan on paying, eventually…… If you want his information because you live in the NYC area and don’t ever want to make my mistake, feel free to contact me privately.

Anywho, I left this appointment balling, on the floor of the lobby bathroom because it was yet again a moment where some brown man was telling me that if I lost my gut, all would be ok and men would date me. But here’s the thing, big big girl Tamara of the mid-west had an easier time getting a date than pleasantly plump Tamara of NYC. And even more interesting “now I realize I was skinny” Tamara of High School loved herself way less than on the verge of a double chin Tamara of Today.

Here’s the thing that no one tells you, while eating as a source of comfort may at times come from painful places that need to be healed. Healing the pain will make me happier and more fulfilled and more vibrant and more attractive, living out of my joy will make people attracted to me and as I have learned this skill, it gets easy to “find a man.” But living out of my joy will probably not translate into immediate weight loss in the “right places.” My boobs and butt will probably be the first to go…And here is what’s more, why is finding a man supposed to be my number one priority in life and why is that based on my body? Yes, I want babies, and Yes it would make me happy to have someone else help me get into a dress than a pair of spanx, but there is something weird about the concept of needing verses desiring someone to be your partner. And that your desire to be partnered hinges on poundage instead of personality. And I am not saying that big girl status should be some kind of badge of honor especially when it is compromising our health

But as I have struggled with this conversation in my head over the past few months, I am sitting at my desk today, listening to my favorite show “Tell more More” (which BTW is getting cancelled in August–we should protest). As I listened this conversation came up and I had to just copy and pasted it and then write a blog about my experience. SO if you are a woman, particularly a Black woman who experiences pressure to feel attractive by being “fat in the right places” (best conceptual framing about this topic I have heard) then I think you should read this from a show on May 21, 2014:

MARTIN: But, you know, Cece, I’m interested because a lot of people have this idea that African-Americans are more tolerant of different sizes and body sizes and more accepting and even appreciative of the larger sized women. But you’ve been talking – one of the things you wrote about in your piece was how that isn’t necessarily so, especially in the dating world. You used the phrase which I thought was hilarious called you were in a mixed weight relationship. And that being the larger – being a bigger bodied person dating somebody who is of smaller frame – how people kind of gave you the message that maybe you shouldn’t be with this person or that he was – that you were just so lucky that he dated with you. Do you want to talk about that?

OLISA: Absolutely. Yeah, I think that there is kind of a myth that black women kind of get a pass for being bigger – that black women are kind of celebrated for having, you know, bigger bone structure and curves and all that. And I think one of the things that people kind of forget is that it’s a little bit nuanced – that sometimes it’s about being fat, but being fat in the right places. There’s difference between having boobs and a butt and having a gut. You know what I mean?

LEE: I agree.

OLISA: And sometimes – I think that goes across all cultures, right? But yeah, I think that even in the black community, there’s definitely a pressure to have a body of a certain type – whatever that may be, whatever that ideal is kind of decided on. And I think even though we can all be plus size and confident and big and still understand that we’re beautiful, somehow it always comes back down to dating. Sometimes – it’s always that warning of, like, don’t get too big, a man’s not going to want you, and things like that.

MARTIN: People say that to you?

OLISA: Oh my goodness, it’s either implicitly or implied. It’s – but the message comes across. You know sometimes, you know, people will come at you with the health thing of course, but it’s often times about being desired and kind of eliminating the idea, like, what if I think I’m pretty? What if I think I’m OK? If a man doesn’t think you’re OK, then it’s a problem. And it needs to be addressed right away which can be really confusing when in every other aspect of your life, you are confident.

 

If you want to read more of Cece Olisha’s awesome you can find her website here:  (this article in particular is pretty awesome).

And thanks for reading this long ass blog

 

Will you hold my hand?

For a while I was feeling resurrected and today I am having a Good Friday–Easter will come again. But this is the poem my priest shared with us and I thought it so awesome! It is written by Vivienne Tuffnell

Will you hold my hand?
Will you hold my hand
As I sit in the darkness?
Will you sit with me,
Make darkness less lonely?
Will you give my hand
A gentle squeeze,
Warm my cold flesh
With warmer skin?
Please do not tell me
About a light I cannot see.
I will not believe you
And the dark will be denser
For the lies I think
You tell me then.
My eyes are wide open
And I am not blind.
Will you hear my words
As we sit the long night out
Without disputing my right
To voice my thoughts?
Will you let me speak
My soul’s story aloud
Without interrupting
With unneeded reassurance?
Just take my hand
Sit with me in silence
Let the darkness be dark
And wait with me.

I can’t make you love me: Josh Kaufman

Most people know about my obsession with “The Voice” and other competitions that come on for free on Hulu or other sources. But beyond that…this song is so fitting to so much of my life. It is the lesson that I have learned in romantic/platonic relationships. So I am learning to live with the uncertain. If the person loves me…I’ll be able to know. I don’t think that we should fight to be loved. To keep it, that’s another story.

On this journey of discerning God’s call for me in my life, I am learning to accept that God loves me—and recently my therapist said, if you don’t love yourself, how will you be able to accept God’s love. So if know one has told you today–maybe that person you have your eye on can’t or doesn’t or won’t or maybe they won’t/can’t/haven’t loved you the way you want to be or the way you deserve to be. Maybe, but the lesson I am working on, the love I go to bed with at night from those who have chosen to leap and let me know, that is the most important. I can no longer sit pining for what should or could be and while the feeling of unfulfilled yearning can be an addictive moment, it doesn’t have to rule/end/replace aspects of my life.
And lastly, home boy can SING!!!!! He has some very vulnerable moments that make you stop and understand exactly what he’s emoting and that is always an amazing thing

Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return

237365-ash-wednesday-faces-of-the-faithful-photos2YES!! It has come again, Ash Wednesday. I know that it seems strange to some people, but I love me some Lent. I just am so excited in this season, the fear of doing a practice that might fail completely, the time to reflect on one’s life, the constant look at mortality, the obsession with an impending death: it’s like the high point of a novel.

I have just returned from a midday service at St. John the Divine Cathedral and it was a blessed time.

The sermon: you get the gift of always beginning again. If you do something wrong–you get another chance. Even death can’t stop our ability to try again. Because there is no room for failure. Every morning we need to remember that God loves us and so our blessings have already been granted, it is merely up to us to act on what God has placed upon us to do.

For someone who has been suffering from feelings of rejection this is exactly the sermon I needed to hear. It makes me think that all is not lost on the pursuit of a call to ordained ministry. Whether or not I will be ordained ever or not, doesn’t really matter, but what God is calling me to do, the essence of what God needs me to do, that I have been placed in the world to perform, that is the call to pursue…Now I just have to figure out what that thing is and how I can do what God is calling ordained or not. This is why I have decided that I need to take up the Lenten practice of journaling with unfiltered thoughts what sits in my hard, the dark and ugly as well as the beautiful. Many years ago a Good Friday sermon’s theme was, “what in you must die so that you might be raised on Easter Morning.” I guess this season is a time to figure that question out exactly.

The reading: Isiah 58:1-12
The Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail. Your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall rise up the foundation of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to live in.

Let us pray.

Dear God, grant us the vision of ourselves as watered flourishing gardens already healed, forgiven and renewed so that we may have the courage to do that which you have given us to do.

Amen.

John 4:13-14. Those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty.

I struggle with this. I know that the spirit of the Living God is all around me. I feel it when I open myself to the possibility. But Food often feels like so much of a better substitute than being in communion with Jesus. To do that I must be in silence, face the fears, anxiety and stress that is causing my well to dry up. That would require some really hard work. It will make me sad and feel even more empty, what to do then. Where is the tangible thing that will fill me?

Recently, I have been attempting to go out on dates, maybe find a boyfriend who will evolve into a husband… I am getting up there. I know everyone is going to say, “33 is not old Tamara.” I hear you, but if you would like to have a child before 40 so that you can retire by the time you are 65/66, that means meeting the husband nowish so that we have time to court, go through the ups and downs of a relationship and get engaged, then married, enjoy marriage together and then have a baby…I only have 7 years to accomplish all of this. And based on how briskly the past 33 have gone–I am starting to realize that I may have a life of being a single person. Or maybe he will come this year, only God knows.

But why do I say all this and what does this have to do with an empty well? Well, I desire a family as a source of filling my well. And not the family that you choose or the friends that are also single and living in their own land. Like people who have to talk to me and come home at the end of the day. There is a deeper bond in that community. So my struggle is, is my desire for a husband partner person, a desire to not be thirsty in a physical sense or a spiritual sense. Am I trying to replace a relationship with God with a relationship with a man? Mostly, I don’t think so, but I wonder where the physical desires of food, drinking, drugs, shopping, relationships, etc… is about not dealing with the real stuff and where they are merely (ok maybe not the drugs?) band aids or adornments to a complete person?

Re-reading Genesis

Often people say that the Episcopal Church is boring because you say the same stuff every week. But here is what I offer you…re-reading and repeating can open up a new meaning even in things that you have said or heard hundreds of times. For example, today’s Genesis 2:4-25 reading.  This section made me particularly interested: (I have bolded the sections that stand out for me)

“but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner. So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken.” Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed.”

A helper as his partner: Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh

The word partner is often used in Queer culture to denote the person someone is in a long term relationship with. It is especially effective because of its gender-neutralness. However, I offer that partner is far deeper than that. It denotes a sense of equality, a sense of both people holding equal weight in the journey of the couple. What if more straight people decided to use this term. What if at the end of a hetero-marriage ceremony the priest said, I now pronounce you partners in life. How differently might people approach this adventure? How differently might people think about their relationships. “The Man” in this tale is trying to do God’s will, but comes to realize that a partner in this project might actually be a benefit–going it alone is a bit overwhelming. While asleep God creates this gift from him…a rib…a piece of anatomy that wraps the side of one’s body. So we are connected, much like we are connected by Christ through our baptism (note bringing in yesterday’s sermon). So if you are in a relationship, maybe instead of insisting on words like girlfriend/boyfriend, fiancee whatever, use partner, it might make you look at that person on your side a bit differently.

the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed

In order to achieve true partnership, we must remain naked. The sin in eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge is that both the man and the woman realize that they are naked and become ashamed. If we look at Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability this line come to have a whole new meaning for me.

Recently, there has been this weight loss commercial on women saying how embarrassed they are to be naked in front of their partner person. Well, maybe they need to not be with that person. I was once told in a sex ed class, “if you can’t stand butt naked in front of your partner, with the lights on, then maybe you shouldn’t be having sex with that person.” This has resonated for me. To be naked in front of someone is to trust that they will accept you for your whole person, exactly the way you are at that exact time: Lumps, bumps, bruises, rolls, perky or droopy boobs, cut or flabby abs, pure perfection because of the imperfection. If we are ever to get to a place where we are having strong, loving partnership experiences, then we all need to get naked, not just in our our romantic relationships. Most important, we can’t be ashamed because we have bared it for the world to see.DURER_Albrecht_Adam_Eve

Searching for your place

Do you know that moment when you feel so developmentally appropriate that is annoys you? I’m about to hit 33 and I call it my Jesus year–crucifixion and resurrection seem to be knocking at my door like a delivery man.

From a career standpoint, I am trying to reconcile my desire to do good in the world and feel useful and smart with what I do at work.

In my personal life, I am still in search of a husband and a baby in that order.

Also from a live your life perspective: I am in a bassoon trio, teach music, go out with friends, and try to do something entertaining and interesting whenever I get a chance.

BUT WHERE SHOULD I FOCUS? HOW DO YOU DO IT ALL AT THE SAME TIME? WHAT IS TRULY IMPORTANT? WHAT IS ID, WHAT IS EGO, WHAT IS REAL?

Something about coming up to this 33 number is really hammering these questions at me. It seems and feel developmentally appropriate to be digging into these questions at this time. I know what I like and don’t like. I feel confident in knowing who I am–strengths and weaknesses. I guess the 30’s are focused on figuring out what actions to take based on this information.

You know how they say, once you know, you have to act–I feel a strong need to act–I am not sure that the actions I wish to engage in are actually going to yield positive or helpful results…I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime, I’m attempting to learn to listen, feel and be open to the difficulties that accompany the Jesus year. In a couple of weeks we will be celebrate the Birth of Christ. We are in a time of anticipating the light. My priest asked on the first sunday of Advent–what are you waiting for? What light is your heart yearning for this advent season. Honestly, I am not sure what it might be…part of me wants to say a man-that feels right. Part of me says I want a man because I want love and companionship, part of me says, none of that will actually be the real solution. But right now, a good date with a man will do…y’all pray for me as embark on this new year’s journey.

Emerging

This summer I decided not to make any major life decisions. Not to work on myself. I wouldn’t go to therapy or care about how often I went to the bar or any of these things. Just have a fun summer. Then I went to music camp and started to write. I was broken open. Now I’m reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho again.

I think that empty summer thing is over. what are the things I want, I want a husband. I really feel strongly about that and I want a baby. It’s hard when you meet someone that could be that, but you aren’t sure that that is what they want, at least with you. I still think I am called to the priesthood and maybe I will be ready in a few years, or maybe I will just be excited about a career change that puts me on a path that feels really right and centers me a bit more. Who knows. For now, I would be happy with the boy I like calling me for a date. Or really any man that I might be interested in calling me for a date.

Will the universe conspire to make what I really want come true?

Should you ever be a stalker?

So I know this post has nothing to do with God, but it does have to do with morals and relationships.

So here’s the thing, I really like this guy and he has a girlfriend and he was totally flirting with me. So I flirted back. And we would make an awesome couple. But my moral standards say, don’t steal someone’s man because it means that he can be stolen and you are causing harm to someone who doesn’t deserve it. All this to say that knowing all this hasn’t stopped me from Google stalking. And I found his Facebook page, I shouldn’t become his friend right? I don’t think I can become his friend in person or on Facebook. But what if we connected on Linked-in? Is that a problem?

Meanwhile, another man who doesn’t quite interest me as much based on the lack of conversational abilities is single and he calls and he’s cute. So maybe I should spend my energy on someone who actually has expressed interest that can be acted upon.

I feel like I am having one of those moments in a cartoon where you have a devil and angel on either shoulder offering different versions of advice and really I have no interest in listening to either of them. I think the spirit is far more complex than that…no? Things aren’t as simple as this choice is good and this choice is bad, they are merely choices. All choices have consequences. Some of those consequences are going to yield results some of which will make your life easier and others that may make your life more complicated. But really is there a “good” or “bad” here? I am starting to think not. But I will take your advice anyway, even though I think I know what the right answer is. Ok, I know what the right thing to do is… But the fire seems so warm just before it scorches your skin off.

Can you hear me now?

This summer, I made the decision that I would not do any work on me this summer. Basically, I would just go to bars with friends, and flirt with men and have fun. It is to be in a way the kind of life that I never got to really fully engage in when I was in my 20’s playing the role of responsible adult, long before I knew what that was. And so here I am in the midst of summer. I came to a realization though which I actually think is beyond hilarious.

Yesterday, I had spiritual direction and he asked the question that are the first words of Jesus in John’s Gospel, “What are do you want?” Yesterday, I flubbed through this question. I didn’t really know what I wanted. But then we flash forward. Today I am listening to a sermon by T D Jakes and the word is on listening for the voice of God when you are alone and in the silence. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. What I want is to not listen to the voice of God. All this running around is an attempt to block out the very thing that I say I desire which is a deeper connection to God through his son Jesus Christ. But in reality this summer is really focused on not paying attention to God’s message because I am deeply afraid of what God has to say.