Pursuing Call

This Sunday’s Sermon Preview

Please note that this will be read, so punctuation is probably horrible.

Coming out. We often think about “coming out” stories as experiences where one finally announces their sexuality to the world. I know a lot about coming out. As a Black single woman who loves wearing clogs and has no children I’ve had to come out as straight a lot. Yes I’m straight, I do still hope you will love me anyway. When I lived in predominantly White communities, people assumed that my single status must have been because I was a lesbian. It couldn’t have possibly been because White men just never asked me out on dates or the number of straight men of color was so small that I had either dated all two of them already and it didn’t work out or just didn’t want to date them at all. The important thing to know about coming out is it only happens when there is an assumption about what is/is not “normal.”
My friends from the LGBTQ community often speak of coming out as a process. At one level the person comes out to themselves and understands who they are. Little by little they start to let others know about their sexuality. As an experiment for my straight folks in the room, try never talking about your sexuality. For example, having a conversation with your best friend about someone you are dating and how amazing the date went, but not mentioning their gender. How hard would that be? Sometimes I like to do this to friends or family. Yes, I really like people who make me laugh. Just went on a romantic date with this person who’s just so amazing. That person is a great kisser and we just really enjoy each other’s company… It’s kind of awful, to not fully speak about this person that is making you happy. That’s what life in a closet looks like. To spend your life hiding some integral part of your story can be extremely painful and lead folks to dark places. Eventually one must choose between the consequences of living in the closet or stepping into the unknown. Merriam-Webster Dictionary says that coming out is to come into public view: make a public appearance, to become evident. To come out is to be in the light. In many ways coming out these days is often a less stressful process than it was even 10 years ago. I see teenagers of what I assume to be the same gender holding hands all the time and it really isn’t a big deal. This doesn’t mean that things are fine, but it really is getting better. Now a days coming out is something a lot of people do around a variety of things. The other day, I had a co-worker say, “ok, I’m coming out as a football fan.” You see he is a pretty liberal hippy type. He loves a wine bar and intellectual discussions about cheese. This is not someone you think would love a sport known for its brain injuries. Folks say that they are coming out in multiple ways, like ok, I’m coming out as bacon lover, I’m a closet vegetarian, I’m coming out as a smoker.
“Coming out”, really means being vulnerable enough to let you know my true self. I’m allowing you to know the person I am often not willing to share with others. I’m going to tell you about the person I have had to hide in order to make you comfortable in my presence. In other words, coming out means stepping into my truest whole self no matter how wonderful or how painful the consequences might be. Here’s the thing, holding back that truth can have devastating consequences and wonderful rewards. Often when one takes the leap they realize that they are stepping out of darkness and isolation. Revealing our secret self will allow us space to finally connect with someone who might be like us or at least understand our story. We come out to connect and fully be ourselves despite the pressure to do otherwise. So what does this have to do with Jesus?
These past couple of weeks we have been hearing readings about Jesus’ coming out story. We call it the season of Epiphany. This is a time when Jesus begins to reveal his divinity and experiment with what it means to be this divine human or for short hand “God-Man”. Epiphany is defined as an illuminating discovery, realization or disclosure and doesn’t that seem to sound a lot like coming out? In these few weeks between Christmas and Lent we see Jesus step into the truth of his identity to fully embrace it regardless of the consequences. Last week Jesus was in the synagogue revealing that there was something different about himself, he is challenging authority and then casts out a demon. They all wonder, “Who is this man and why can he do these things that we can’t?” Jesus starts to assemble his crew of allies; we like to call them disciples. They will be the people that have his back. They become the group Jesus can be true with. He can fully express his hopes about what revealing this “God-Man” identity is going to be like, fear what he will go through and what he will eventually die for.
Imagine this, you are growing up in Palestine just like everyone else and then you come to realize that what is going on inside of you, is not the norm. You can cast out demons and heal people, you are God… Do you really want everyone to know this? Should you really come out?
So this week, Jesus makes another step closer to revealing his identity. He shows up at Simon’s house, Simon’s mother-in-law is sick so he touches her and she gets up starts cooking them dinner. Then the disciple allies start outing Jesus and bring the neighbors by. Jesus starts healing like an episode of Oprah Show. You get a healing, you get a healing, and you get a healing, everyone gets a healing. Interestingly enough though, Jesus doesn’t let the demons speak because, “they knew him”. He is willing to come out as a healer, but letting folks know that he is “God-Man”, not so much. Eventually Jesus must embrace his humanity, he gets tired and overwhelmed and must find a place to recharge so that he can step further into his truth and be prepared for the work God has given him to do. In Verse 35 we see “in the morning, while it was still very dark, he got up and went out to a deserted place, and there he prayed.” When you are coming out, do yourself a favor and find private time for yourself to renew and uplift your spirit talk to God about it. Luckily for you it is almost lent a fabulous time to sit in the dark early morning and pray a bit. But I digress. After Jesus prays, his disciples come looking for him, his allies would not let him simply stay in that quiet place and hide from his destiny. And they say what I think is the true good news, “everyone is searching for you.” Listen to that again. EVERYONE IS SEARCHING FOR YOU.
There is a gift, a talent, a truth about you that maybe you have been hesitant to share with others. There is a story about your life that you have hidden from others for fear that it will make someone else uncomfortable or for fear that you may be harmed. But we are searching for YOU! YOU, the real true you. Now, I’m not saying you need to tell everyone your business, Jesus didn’t. So my challenge is this, what secret about your true self have you hidden from others? For example, I once had a student whose family was in a deadly car crash just before the semester started. He lost two siblings and a parent. All I wanted to say was I am holding you in my prayers, but I held back. The school I worked at was a public institution and many of my students didn’t hold spirituality at the front of their identity and so in an attempt to not offend I was holding this feeling inside. After 30 minutes of talking and figuring out how I could support him, I broke down and said: “I don’t know what you believe, but I just want you to know that I am holding you in my prayers and even God can’t explain why you are going through this difficult time.” Immediately the student broke open and cried and then we spent another hour talking God and how his faith was present in all of this tragedy. After that the word was out and my office became a safe space for many students who wanted to talk about their faith and spirituality. By coming out as Christian, I was able to allow others to come out about their spiritual practice as well and build deeper relationships. Coming out made me better at my job and a better human.
In Brene Brown’s Book, “Daring Greatly,” she says, “Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly.” Jesus is our Lord and savior for many reasons, but for me, this is it. Jesus came out and it was hard and it was painful, but he did it, he cloaked himself in vulnerability and showed up so that he could be seen. Jesus found himself in a community of people who needed him to come out, they needed his hidden gifts, for this was the door to liberation. Jesus shared this gift, came out and stepped boldly into his divinity.
Everyone is searching for YOU! Come out, come out wherever you are.

Fat attraction

So I recently went to a Mental Health Professional who told me that if I lost weight and went to over eaters annonymous a lot of my problems that I was describing would be solved. It would come to an end. 30-40 lbs of weight loss would eradicate any issues of self-doubt and confidence, and all the other crap that I carry, blah. Needless to say that I never went back to him and now owe him $125 for missing my follow up appointment, which I plan on paying, eventually…… If you want his information because you live in the NYC area and don’t ever want to make my mistake, feel free to contact me privately.

Anywho, I left this appointment balling, on the floor of the lobby bathroom because it was yet again a moment where some brown man was telling me that if I lost my gut, all would be ok and men would date me. But here’s the thing, big big girl Tamara of the mid-west had an easier time getting a date than pleasantly plump Tamara of NYC. And even more interesting “now I realize I was skinny” Tamara of High School loved herself way less than on the verge of a double chin Tamara of Today.

Here’s the thing that no one tells you, while eating as a source of comfort may at times come from painful places that need to be healed. Healing the pain will make me happier and more fulfilled and more vibrant and more attractive, living out of my joy will make people attracted to me and as I have learned this skill, it gets easy to “find a man.” But living out of my joy will probably not translate into immediate weight loss in the “right places.” My boobs and butt will probably be the first to go…And here is what’s more, why is finding a man supposed to be my number one priority in life and why is that based on my body? Yes, I want babies, and Yes it would make me happy to have someone else help me get into a dress than a pair of spanx, but there is something weird about the concept of needing verses desiring someone to be your partner. And that your desire to be partnered hinges on poundage instead of personality. And I am not saying that big girl status should be some kind of badge of honor especially when it is compromising our health

But as I have struggled with this conversation in my head over the past few months, I am sitting at my desk today, listening to my favorite show “Tell more More” (which BTW is getting cancelled in August–we should protest). As I listened this conversation came up and I had to just copy and pasted it and then write a blog about my experience. SO if you are a woman, particularly a Black woman who experiences pressure to feel attractive by being “fat in the right places” (best conceptual framing about this topic I have heard) then I think you should read this from a show on May 21, 2014:

MARTIN: But, you know, Cece, I’m interested because a lot of people have this idea that African-Americans are more tolerant of different sizes and body sizes and more accepting and even appreciative of the larger sized women. But you’ve been talking – one of the things you wrote about in your piece was how that isn’t necessarily so, especially in the dating world. You used the phrase which I thought was hilarious called you were in a mixed weight relationship. And that being the larger – being a bigger bodied person dating somebody who is of smaller frame – how people kind of gave you the message that maybe you shouldn’t be with this person or that he was – that you were just so lucky that he dated with you. Do you want to talk about that?

OLISA: Absolutely. Yeah, I think that there is kind of a myth that black women kind of get a pass for being bigger – that black women are kind of celebrated for having, you know, bigger bone structure and curves and all that. And I think one of the things that people kind of forget is that it’s a little bit nuanced – that sometimes it’s about being fat, but being fat in the right places. There’s difference between having boobs and a butt and having a gut. You know what I mean?

LEE: I agree.

OLISA: And sometimes – I think that goes across all cultures, right? But yeah, I think that even in the black community, there’s definitely a pressure to have a body of a certain type – whatever that may be, whatever that ideal is kind of decided on. And I think even though we can all be plus size and confident and big and still understand that we’re beautiful, somehow it always comes back down to dating. Sometimes – it’s always that warning of, like, don’t get too big, a man’s not going to want you, and things like that.

MARTIN: People say that to you?

OLISA: Oh my goodness, it’s either implicitly or implied. It’s – but the message comes across. You know sometimes, you know, people will come at you with the health thing of course, but it’s often times about being desired and kind of eliminating the idea, like, what if I think I’m pretty? What if I think I’m OK? If a man doesn’t think you’re OK, then it’s a problem. And it needs to be addressed right away which can be really confusing when in every other aspect of your life, you are confident.

If you want to read more of Cece Olisha’s awesome you can find her website here: (this article in particular is pretty awesome).

And thanks for reading this long ass blog

Will you hold my hand?

For a while I was feeling resurrected and today I am having a Good Friday–Easter will come again. But this is the poem my priest shared with us and I thought it so awesome! It is written by Vivienne Tuffnell

Will you hold my hand?
Will you hold my hand
As I sit in the darkness?
Will you sit with me,
Make darkness less lonely?
Will you give my hand
A gentle squeeze,
Warm my cold flesh
With warmer skin?
Please do not tell me
About a light I cannot see.
I will not believe you
And the dark will be denser
For the lies I think
You tell me then.
My eyes are wide open
And I am not blind.
Will you hear my words
As we sit the long night out
Without disputing my right
To voice my thoughts?
Will you let me speak
My soul’s story aloud
Without interrupting
With unneeded reassurance?
Just take my hand
Sit with me in silence
Let the darkness be dark
And wait with me.

I can’t make you love me: Josh Kaufman

Most people know about my obsession with “The Voice” and other competitions that come on for free on Hulu or other sources. But beyond that…this song is so fitting to so much of my life. It is the lesson that I have learned in romantic/platonic relationships. So I am learning to live with the uncertain. If the person loves me…I’ll be able to know. I don’t think that we should fight to be loved. To keep it, that’s another story.

On this journey of discerning God’s call for me in my life, I am learning to accept that God loves me—and recently my therapist said, if you don’t love yourself, how will you be able to accept God’s love. So if know one has told you today–maybe that person you have your eye on can’t or doesn’t or won’t or maybe they won’t/can’t/haven’t loved you the way you want to be or the way you deserve to be. Maybe, but the lesson I am working on, the love I go to bed with at night from those who have chosen to leap and let me know, that is the most important. I can no longer sit pining for what should or could be and while the feeling of unfulfilled yearning can be an addictive moment, it doesn’t have to rule/end/replace aspects of my life.
And lastly, home boy can SING!!!!! He has some very vulnerable moments that make you stop and understand exactly what he’s emoting and that is always an amazing thing

Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return

YES!! It has come again, Ash Wednesday. I know that it seems strange to some people, but I love me some Lent. I just am so excited in this season, the fear of doing a practice that might fail completely, the time to reflect on one’s life, the constant look at mortality, the obsession with an impending death: it’s like the high point of a novel.

I have just returned from a midday service at St. John the Divine Cathedral and it was a blessed time.

The sermon: you get the gift of always beginning again. If you do something wrong–you get another chance. Even death can’t stop our ability to try again. Because there is no room for failure. Every morning we need to remember that God loves us and so our blessings have already been granted, it is merely up to us to act on what God has placed upon us to do.

For someone who has been suffering from feelings of rejection this is exactly the sermon I needed to hear. It makes me think that all is not lost on the pursuit of a call to ordained ministry. Whether or not I will be ordained ever or not, doesn’t really matter, but what God is calling me to do, the essence of what God needs me to do, that I have been placed in the world to perform, that is the call to pursue…Now I just have to figure out what that thing is and how I can do what God is calling ordained or not. This is why I have decided that I need to take up the Lenten practice of journaling with unfiltered thoughts what sits in my hard, the dark and ugly as well as the beautiful. Many years ago a Good Friday sermon’s theme was, “what in you must die so that you might be raised on Easter Morning.” I guess this season is a time to figure that question out exactly.

The reading: Isiah 58:1-12
The Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail. Your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall rise up the foundation of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to live in.

Let us pray.

Dear God, grant us the vision of ourselves as watered flourishing gardens already healed, forgiven and renewed so that we may have the courage to do that which you have given us to do.

Amen.

John 4:13-14. Those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty.

I struggle with this. I know that the spirit of the Living God is all around me. I feel it when I open myself to the possibility. But Food often feels like so much of a better substitute than being in communion with Jesus. To do that I must be in silence, face the fears, anxiety and stress that is causing my well to dry up. That would require some really hard work. It will make me sad and feel even more empty, what to do then. Where is the tangible thing that will fill me?

Recently, I have been attempting to go out on dates, maybe find a boyfriend who will evolve into a husband… I am getting up there. I know everyone is going to say, “33 is not old Tamara.” I hear you, but if you would like to have a child before 40 so that you can retire by the time you are 65/66, that means meeting the husband nowish so that we have time to court, go through the ups and downs of a relationship and get engaged, then married, enjoy marriage together and then have a baby…I only have 7 years to accomplish all of this. And based on how briskly the past 33 have gone–I am starting to realize that I may have a life of being a single person. Or maybe he will come this year, only God knows.

But why do I say all this and what does this have to do with an empty well? Well, I desire a family as a source of filling my well. And not the family that you choose or the friends that are also single and living in their own land. Like people who have to talk to me and come home at the end of the day. There is a deeper bond in that community. So my struggle is, is my desire for a husband partner person, a desire to not be thirsty in a physical sense or a spiritual sense. Am I trying to replace a relationship with God with a relationship with a man? Mostly, I don’t think so, but I wonder where the physical desires of food, drinking, drugs, shopping, relationships, etc… is about not dealing with the real stuff and where they are merely (ok maybe not the drugs?) band aids or adornments to a complete person?

Re-reading Genesis

Often people say that the Episcopal Church is boring because you say the same stuff every week. But here is what I offer you…re-reading and repeating can open up a new meaning even in things that you have said or heard hundreds of times. For example, today’s Genesis 2:4-25 reading. This section made me particularly interested: (I have bolded the sections that stand out for me)

“but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner. So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken.” Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed.”

A helper as his partner: Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh

The word partner is often used in Queer culture to denote the person someone is in a long term relationship with. It is especially effective because of its gender-neutralness. However, I offer that partner is far deeper than that. It denotes a sense of equality, a sense of both people holding equal weight in the journey of the couple. What if more straight people decided to use this term. What if at the end of a hetero-marriage ceremony the priest said, I now pronounce you partners in life. How differently might people approach this adventure? How differently might people think about their relationships. “The Man” in this tale is trying to do God’s will, but comes to realize that a partner in this project might actually be a benefit–going it alone is a bit overwhelming. While asleep God creates this gift from him…a rib…a piece of anatomy that wraps the side of one’s body. So we are connected, much like we are connected by Christ through our baptism (note bringing in yesterday’s sermon). So if you are in a relationship, maybe instead of insisting on words like girlfriend/boyfriend, fiancee whatever, use partner, it might make you look at that person on your side a bit differently.

the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed

In order to achieve true partnership, we must remain naked. The sin in eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge is that both the man and the woman realize that they are naked and become ashamed. If we look at Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability this line come to have a whole new meaning for me.

Recently, there has been this weight loss commercial on women saying how embarrassed they are to be naked in front of their partner person. Well, maybe they need to not be with that person. I was once told in a sex ed class, “if you can’t stand butt naked in front of your partner, with the lights on, then maybe you shouldn’t be having sex with that person.” This has resonated for me. To be naked in front of someone is to trust that they will accept you for your whole person, exactly the way you are at that exact time: Lumps, bumps, bruises, rolls, perky or droopy boobs, cut or flabby abs, pure perfection because of the imperfection. If we are ever to get to a place where we are having strong, loving partnership experiences, then we all need to get naked, not just in our our romantic relationships. Most important, we can’t be ashamed because we have bared it for the world to see.

Searching for your place

Do you know that moment when you feel so developmentally appropriate that is annoys you? I’m about to hit 33 and I call it my Jesus year–crucifixion and resurrection seem to be knocking at my door like a delivery man.

From a career standpoint, I am trying to reconcile my desire to do good in the world and feel useful and smart with what I do at work.

In my personal life, I am still in search of a husband and a baby in that order.

Also from a live your life perspective: I am in a bassoon trio, teach music, go out with friends, and try to do something entertaining and interesting whenever I get a chance.

BUT WHERE SHOULD I FOCUS? HOW DO YOU DO IT ALL AT THE SAME TIME? WHAT IS TRULY IMPORTANT? WHAT IS ID, WHAT IS EGO, WHAT IS REAL?

Something about coming up to this 33 number is really hammering these questions at me. It seems and feel developmentally appropriate to be digging into these questions at this time. I know what I like and don’t like. I feel confident in knowing who I am–strengths and weaknesses. I guess the 30’s are focused on figuring out what actions to take based on this information.

You know how they say, once you know, you have to act–I feel a strong need to act–I am not sure that the actions I wish to engage in are actually going to yield positive or helpful results…I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime, I’m attempting to learn to listen, feel and be open to the difficulties that accompany the Jesus year. In a couple of weeks we will be celebrate the Birth of Christ. We are in a time of anticipating the light. My priest asked on the first sunday of Advent–what are you waiting for? What light is your heart yearning for this advent season. Honestly, I am not sure what it might be…part of me wants to say a man-that feels right. Part of me says I want a man because I want love and companionship, part of me says, none of that will actually be the real solution. But right now, a good date with a man will do…y’all pray for me as embark on this new year’s journey.

Emerging

This summer I decided not to make any major life decisions. Not to work on myself. I wouldn’t go to therapy or care about how often I went to the bar or any of these things. Just have a fun summer. Then I went to music camp and started to write. I was broken open. Now I’m reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho again.

I think that empty summer thing is over. what are the things I want, I want a husband. I really feel strongly about that and I want a baby. It’s hard when you meet someone that could be that, but you aren’t sure that that is what they want, at least with you. I still think I am called to the priesthood and maybe I will be ready in a few years, or maybe I will just be excited about a career change that puts me on a path that feels really right and centers me a bit more. Who knows. For now, I would be happy with the boy I like calling me for a date. Or really any man that I might be interested in calling me for a date.

Will the universe conspire to make what I really want come true?

Should you ever be a stalker?

So I know this post has nothing to do with God, but it does have to do with morals and relationships.

So here’s the thing, I really like this guy and he has a girlfriend and he was totally flirting with me. So I flirted back. And we would make an awesome couple. But my moral standards say, don’t steal someone’s man because it means that he can be stolen and you are causing harm to someone who doesn’t deserve it. All this to say that knowing all this hasn’t stopped me from Google stalking. And I found his Facebook page, I shouldn’t become his friend right? I don’t think I can become his friend in person or on Facebook. But what if we connected on Linked-in? Is that a problem?

Meanwhile, another man who doesn’t quite interest me as much based on the lack of conversational abilities is single and he calls and he’s cute. So maybe I should spend my energy on someone who actually has expressed interest that can be acted upon.

I feel like I am having one of those moments in a cartoon where you have a devil and angel on either shoulder offering different versions of advice and really I have no interest in listening to either of them. I think the spirit is far more complex than that…no? Things aren’t as simple as this choice is good and this choice is bad, they are merely choices. All choices have consequences. Some of those consequences are going to yield results some of which will make your life easier and others that may make your life more complicated. But really is there a “good” or “bad” here? I am starting to think not. But I will take your advice anyway, even though I think I know what the right answer is. Ok, I know what the right thing to do is… But the fire seems so warm just before it scorches your skin off.