Pursuing Call

Seminary: II

In 2021, I graduated from Union Theological Seminary with a degree in Pratical Theology. I still don’t fully understand what that means, but my hope was to make the theoretical real and embodied. I just read a post I made right after graduation, when we were still in the pandemic lock down and there felt like space was available for reflection, but alas 5 years later I am now writing the follow-up post.

How did seminary go? Well generally – it was great. I ended up taking more ethics classes than I thought I would, didn’t actually take a lot of church and society. My studies were interrupted and ultimately suffered a bit from pandemic lockdown. However, the truth is, if it weren’t for a full work/study from my 6th floor apartment life, where I am currently writing this post, I don’t know that I would have graduated at all. It was much easier to hop from tasks to tasks (couch school life, desk full-time work life) than traveling between disaster zones, Harlem, midtown and Brooklyn.

Beyond the practical benefits of no-commute work and learning, there was the gift of time to read and struggle with the creation of faith practices beyond the communal connection of in-person life. When we were all out in the streets on a regular basis, I didn’t have the time to do daily prayer, stare at out the window and let God speak. At the same time, I missed the opportunities for casual coffee with professor and classmates. The informal ways that a campus environment feed the soul and help us form relationships with colleagues that are deep and abiding.

For this series, my hope is to offer some advice that is not new, but hopefully adds to the voices of others who have chose this path. While there are many reasons for people to go to Seminary, it isn’t for everyone and I want to be transparent about where it can be life-giving and life-limiting. As you can read in that first post, my goal was to use the academic space to understand my call. I had given up on ordained ministry so I just wanted to know what this space was all about and how my gifts and skills could be used in a church environment as a lay person.

Lesson 1: Seminary is an academic way to engage formation.

For the most part, professors are academicians, while they care about mission and ministry, vocational call and the rest, their jobs are about making sure that you learn material, engage it and can deploy it in your desired context. This last part though is usually the last thing on the list. Especially for those seeking to be formed as clerics who will lead spiritual communities, the Greek meaning of a word may help your congregation, but only if you know how to deploy the message. While not always required, I believe it is critical to have spiritual directors, a coach or mentor on call to help you build the bridge from the academic to the practical from the brain to the spirit.

This need for bridge work played out most in Old Testament class (now Hebrew Bible) taught by David Carr. We were his guinea pig class for his new book that he was rewriting while teaching. The end product was The Hebrew Bible: A Contemporary Introduction to the Christian Old Testament and the Jewish Tanakh, 2nd Edition which I highly encourage you to read even if you aren’t in seminary.

About half way through the semester, we were focused on the Psalms. As an assignment we were asked to re-write a Psalm to engage our modern day experiences. Well for some this blew their mind. How can I re-write the Bible? For others it was a problematic assignment at best or heresy at worst. One student even said this was one of the reasons he could no longer stay.

What I learned on the first day of class ( 1) there are two creation stories 2) how the first creation story echoes the building of a temple) blew my mind so much that I ran to a friends house in total ecstasy realizing that it this was the exact right choice. I also witnessed colleagues faith, maybe even some of my own, fall apart as we learned about how the sausage was made. One friend who went through a similar process in EFM said, “so when is it real? when do we get to the real part? is any of it real?” After one month in Bible classes this will become a real question for you. and you will have to have resources and community in place to help you come up with an answer.

As a cleric many will be asking you these same questions and you will have to have an answer. Here’s mine:

What do you mean by real? Is it 100% historically accurate? No. nothing is.
Why does the Bible matter if it is not historical? Because it is theological. It is a documented history of people whose faith tradition I follow grappling with the hard things of life and sharing their experiences of divine intervention, incarnation and expression in ways that might inform my own lived experience.
The Bible reminds me that I am not alone – what is documented and has ben translated/restranslated, shifted from oral to written is all a part of what makes it divinely inspired. Bishop Schori once wrote while reflecting on the break-up on the Episcopal Church that as humans our understanding of God evolves over time and did not end with revelations. This is a core tenant of the Anglican tradition that reason plays a part. And what I learned is that powers and principalities decided when and where the Canon would end, but that was not a divine decision, that is an institutional one.

All this to say, an academic space can be a life-transforming place to help you explore the segments that build your spiritual life, but it is not the same thing as helping you form a spiritual life. The academic space will provide facts and research, but then there will be more work to do. How you enter seminary, what beliefs you already holds about this faith elements – how much you are tied to them being TRUE, will ultimately define if and how you make it to the other side.

Seminary was so critical to my faith formation and the challenges of the academic research only deepened my understanding of the Good God and the humans as a part of a complex interconnected creation that gets to choose everyday how it shows up to be in co-creation with that God. That is where I landed, where do you land?

Questions for consideration:

What tools and resources do you use to help deconstruct and reconstruct your faith?
How do you engage your faith when new pieces of the puzzle are revealed – especially when they challenge deeply held beliefs?
How do you hold truth loosely enough to sway when challenged and grounded enough to be rooted?
What community exists to help you through these moments of struggle and challenge?
How can you hold this space for others?

Presidential elections make me more faithful

To say that I am afraid is an understatement. My system has been overwhelmed with concern, fear, doubt, anger, outrage, basically name a negative emotion. Donald Trump, ontologically, is the most dangerous thing that has happened to the USA in a while. I know that for most of us who are just trying to buy groceries, send kids off to school, pay bills, enjoy a little bit of life, etc… the larger concepts of democracy seems like a waste of time. But for me it is deeper than a threat against democracy – it is the fact that we no longer argue in the land of truth. Our respect for the humanity of other people erodes in this context. The lies and lack of decorum, decency and respect for the belovedness of all people is the problem of our moment. And while we can’t change everything, we can center ourselves in the reality and truth that God loves us and that God got us.

As an Anglican, we often are known as the via media people, the both/and. We believe that two things can be true and maybe that means that God is pointing us to a large truth. It can be quite stressful for some and yet it is the theology that I have found the most liberating. Here is the problem, in the church we have started to talk about the both/and in ways that are dangerous. When the Trump camp says that immigrants are eating people’s pets, we equate that to progressive movements that believe in more expansive immigration policies: THEY ARE NOT EQUIVALENT!!!!! One of these is a lie – Trump’s statements. One of these things caused multiple schools to close down and for an entire town to stop functioning for weeks because of bomb threats. And trust me – it wasn’t the progressive movements that caused community harm. You can’t both/and with a lie. There is no via media with hate.

I’m voting for Harris-Walz! I have voted for them because I believe that the ontological is real. Do I want an immediate cease fire in Gaza? YES. Do I want more radical steps to addressing climate change? YES. Do I want a more equitable world where we teach the truth about our history as a country? YES. Do I think that the two party system is broken and both parties have blood on their hands? YES. But at this point one of these candidates I can argue with and find ground for us to move forward, the other is an ASS who represents the worse of America. He is a narcissistic leader and his VP is even worse!

And I am excited to have a Black/Indian woman running this country! I miss the days when my President was a strong representative of love and joy and care to the world. For we US citizens are not the only ones afraid. The world is looking at us like fools They have no idea how this is not a blow out contest. Why would anyone vote for a Trump-Vance ticket? The world is sooooooo confused! And they are laughing at us.

Now I am in rant mode and that wasn’t the original point of this post. Here is what I realized while watching nature do its beautiful dance from autumn to winter. Each morning the sun rises and the sets, the moon does its thing, the stars sparkle, the animals hunt for what they need to survive. We are just one part God’s creation and while we hold a lot of power in the care of this place, it can exist without us. So I have accepted that regardless of what happens on Tuesday, the world will continue to spin and we will still have work to do.

In the meantime, lets relax. Let’s take the night off from fighting and pushing against lies as if they are worth our attention. Maybe don’t glue yourself to the TV and the polls, make a meal with friends and family. For it might be our last supper with some of our neighbors. Treat this cycle like its 1999. If you were there, do you remember the epic dance parties, the connections and joy we found despite the fear that all would fall apart? We can do it again and maybe it won’t all fall apart.

As for me, I am going to a virtual meditation and ballet class with my friend Rev. Julie who runs Faith on Pointe. I voted early and have left the country for the week. And I am trying to take care of myself by limiting my energy to what matters most, caring for my body, those I love and God’s creation. The rest, fuck it!

Same call, new location

October 2015, I started working at Episcopal Relief & Development. I originally planned to be a priest – but that didn’t quite work out. Instead, the Spirit and communities of mentors set me on a path of lay employment that I could not have planned. All we can do is see where our great desires meet God and community’s greatest needs.

It wasn’t long before the Asset Map Coordinator became a Program Officer for disaster response in the US. In this role I saw how liberative leadership models could remind people of faith about the ways that God can use the mud to make lotus. And if we are brave enough, we will build God’s kin-dom together. But I also noticed the fear of the ordained. So I decided to go to Seminary and learn more.

The opportunity for theological exploration and biblical study has forever transformed my life and built a spiritual maturity that again, I could not have planned. My thesis, Ordaining the Disinherited, was a wonderful healing space to understanding my own process of discernment and how important those liberative models of leadership impact our ability to be Church. With the world still under lock down and no classes to attend, I decided to continue my research by interviewing people about their purpose. I wanted to not only know what it meant to pursue one’s calling to the priesthood, but one’s calling to everything. And so was born, pursuing call – a place where we explore what God is up to in our lives so that we can participate in God’s mission for the world.

Here we are September 2024, and it remains my passion to support clergy and truly all church folks in new ways. So on a whim I applied for a job that seemed to be a new way to follow’s God’s call and I got the job! So on October 2nd I will end my time at Episcopal Relief & Development and join the Business Relationship Management team at the Church Pension Group as the Director of Faculty Management and Training. I will miss the relationships I have cultivated these 9 years and the amazing ways we fulfilled Matthew 25 together. And I am also excited to put that degree to work and find new ways to support leaders who feed their flock because they have taken the necessary time to eat and be nourished.

I believe that this next chapter will offer me opportunities for pouring more into myself. Working on disaster response has been an amazing ride. And thinking about what terrible thing has happened today how can the church respond takes a toll on my body and on my spirit. I would love to be blissfully ignorant of weather patterns and fire temperatures and FEMA policy changes again. I will of course take those new skills into what happens next, but I will leave some of the anxiety and high blood pressure behind. And I will continue to pray for my colleagues that remain doing the Holy work of supporting and responding to trauma and terror around the world.

Original Sin: disconnection

In the season of Lent, I have been thinking a lot about sin. We begin this time with the line “remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.” It comes from the second creation story of Adam and Eve, Genesis 3: 19. And the problem with this focus on Sin as Originally coming from the first humans, but especially the woman, is that it impacts not just the way we think about ourselves and our place in the world, but the way that we think about others and how we “hold them to account.” Now I break down the story of Adam and Eve in a recent episode of the podcast, you can check it out here:

What I have come to realize – at least for now is that sin is not about me drinking, having sex out of wedlock, or any of the things that we often like to point to as sin, sex, drugs, rock&roll. It is about relationship. As you read the second creation story, you can see how each step is the creation process is about interconnection and building intimacy between all parts of what God brings into being. There is nothing that the being have to do, except be in relationship with each other and support each other as they walk in the Garden with the being that created them. But when the human beings decide that this is not enough, they need to know more, that is when their search for knowledge and status over relationship ends their joyous peace.

So for me sin is this broken relationship and lack of accountability. What if they stood before God naked, even though they knew they were naked and said, “God I am naked, I have shame.” And I imagine God saying, “my child, have no shame for this is beautiful – you how I created you is beautiful and perfect.” And we humans even after eating of the fruit might have an opportunity for reconnection after severing. Would the punishment have been so harsh if Adam took blame with his wife and the serpent? What if each of them spoke up and said, if we are to be in relationship, we can’t have a one sided relationship, we have questions and we think the tree will tell us the truth for while you created us, we still do not trust you. And God could sit next to God’s created being and do some emotional co-regulating. For often I think our perceptions of God are how we perceive parenting. But that is a blog for another time.

For now, I want us to think about what ways we have severed relationship with self. For me it is about how I treat my body – what I eat, how I move, and mostly how I talk to myself. For let my therapist and I worked out that I would stop talking badly about myself. Its going ok, still needing reminders every once in a while, but for the most part a wonderful gift.

How do I sever relationship with the planet and other beings? Climate change… so sorry about that planet. With other human beings – my therapist often asks, “are you speaking out of your desires or defensiveness.” We have all been harmed by people and I carry that harm in the form of feeling the need to protect myself from everyone, including those who love me. So when something happens, I can often say the mean and nasty thing. It is so easy to come up with a jab. But if I live in my truth and not my trauma (another therapy line), I can figure out what I actually want to happen. How I actually want to be in relationship with another person and then move from that place of desire and pleasure. Just for experiment, let us try this out with Adam and Eve.

Serpent: You know if you eat of the tree of Good and Evil – you won’t die, you just will know as much as God knows.

Eve: are there things that God would not tell us if we asked? The fruit does look delicious, but God has said that we should not eat of it. We may not die literally, but perhaps we will have demonstrated a betrayal to the creator.

Serpent: Yeah, but the fruit is so good and yummy. It will feel good to eat it.

Eve: I get that, let me check in with Adam and the rest of the forest to see what they think for what I do affects these other beings as well. What do you think Adam?

Adam: What if the serpent is right and there is something good about eating from this tree? We could know so much and I really want to know more. I know I got to name all the animals, but why wouldn’t God tell us everything?

Serpent: word, this fruit is delicious.

Eve/Adam: If it is so delicious, have you eaten of it? What was it like for you to eat of the tree? What did you learn from the experience and where might there have been draw backs?

By this time, God is already out for the evening stroll.

God: Seems like an interesting conversation is happening here.

Eve: Yes the serpent is talking to us about this lovely tree that you told us not to eat from. I think he makes a good point that the fruit would be lovely to eat. I really want to eat from the tree. It seems that if I do so, 1. I would know things that you know and 2. I would eat some delicious fruit. Both of these ideas are appealing to me.

Adam: I have to agree with Eve on this one. I feel like we are missing out by not eating from this one tree. Why would we have access to everything except this one thing. Do you not trust us to know as much as you?

God: This is an interesting conversation. Do I not trust you? I am not sure, but I do not trust that if you knew as much as I do that you would be able to live a free life. By having some things that you don’t know everything about, you are free to live without fear and doubt and self deprecation and so many human feelings that are hard to manage. By having some reliance on me and trusting in the power of relationship, were all creation working together is in harmony, you will have a more life-giving experience of this world.

And so the conversation continues for all Millenia.

By centering relationship – we might still eat the apple, but maybe we don’t have generations of people thinking that eating apples are the problem. Maybe we have generations of people learning how to stay in relationship even when we don’t agree about the apple eating, or sexuality or housing policy or policing or…. Instead of thinking that beings are evil, we would see evil for what it is- the breaking of relationship, the severing of connection and we could find new paths to reconcile and live into a new kind of relationship with each other. Because sometimes what is severed was so painful, that our relationship can never return to the intimacy we once had, but it does not take away that we are forever connected and therefore need to find a path forward in a world that allows all of us to thrive.

For if we do not, we will continue to live into the punishment of God, oppression and power-over. This we cover next time when we talk more about Phyllis Trible.

Christianity and the Scientific Method

“What might happen if we understand the core Christian ethos as creative, constructive, and forward-leaning—as an “organizing religion” that challenges all institutions (including its own) to learn, grow, and mature toward a deepening, enduring vision of reconciliation with God, self, neighbor, enemy, and creation?”

Recently, I have been thinking about the scientific method. We all learned this process so early in life that it permeates so much of our way of thinking and understanding. When I originally learned this methodology in elementary school it was a 5 step process: Question, hypothesis, experimentation, analysis, conclusion. Mostly we all just made volcanos with baking soda and vinegar, but essentially we created a culture of people who think that finding evidence to prove a point is the most objective way to explain what is true. However, we have all learned that what is deemed as scientific or objective, is not that simple. There are very few cases where one’s social location, cultural context, etc… do not play a role in the kind of evidence we collect and how we analyze and draw conclusions. Essentially there is nothing objective or neutral about the scientific method.

Instead of the scientific method approach to faith, I think it is much more life-giving to allow space for confusion and uncertainty. Not knowing, not having a clear and precise answer, this is a gift. When we give space to be surprised and have the answers arise out of the mess we discover and co-create. This has always been a more authentic way for me to learn and grow. When I have already made my conclusions and am merely seeking evidence to prove my hypothesis, I end up being wrong and so far away from God’s will for my life.

If you are engaged in a theology that seeks proof for what you believe or have been told to believe, you might be limiting the divine presence. What might happen to the ways that you live out your faith if you opened you heart and mind to discovery?

Discerning discernment

In fall of 2020 to Spring 2021, I wrote a thesis reflecting on the experiences of women of color clergy in the Episcopal Church. Through interviews and reading what others have to say about the topic, I used a womanist theological lens to reflect on the institutional process of discernment for Holy Orders. My goal here is to summarize conclusions drawn from that research and offer next step solutions for addressing concerns raised in the stories of these women.

I’ve told the story so often, that it seems trite to tell it again in this post. As I am extremely close to it being 10 years since my discernment was denied, it feels fitting to reflect a bit on my experience. The image for this post comes from a summer when I was in or attended a ton of weddings. It was my early 30’s so an appropriate time for the college educated to get hitched. Many of my religious, but spiritual friends asked me to participate in their wedding in some way. I was first asked to officiate the wedding where I ended up being a Bride’s maid and rocked that dress! But I said I couldn’t because I thought I would get in trouble if I got ordained online for their wedding. Somehow it would cheapen ordination and count against me for the more formal process in which I was then engaged. My heart still hurts a bit knowing that I could have married my friends. My heart still hurts a bit when I am in a deeply spiritual moment with someone and feel the urge to break the bread and take the cup. And I know that God’s will will be done and no institution can confirm what I know to be true in my heart. And it would be nice if they did confirm what I feel to be true. So it is from here that I reflect on discernment…surrender to the possibility that they got it right.

Fundamentally, it is clear that no one is excited about our current processes for discernment to Holy Orders and the lack of culture of discernment in the Church. But the truth is that the answer to our concern lies within our tradition. Christianity has a variety of resources for discerning one’s call. From Parker Palmer’s Let Your Life Speak to inventive diocesan processes, there are many tools that support individual exploration of what God might be up to in their lives. Rather than design another tool for discernment, I propose we focus on the infrastructure of the process. In particular, we need to focus on making what has been implicit, explicit.

There has been a conflation of little d and Big D discernment. Exploration of vocational call should be at least partially disentangled from the evaluation of a candidate for Holy Orders.
Commission on Ministry members are people who bring their own image of what leadership looks like and how it should be exercised in their context.
Candidates often are forced to contort themselves into pre-conceived notions of ministerial leadership. Once ordained, these clergy are forced to reckon with a misalignment between what they felt called to and how they are currently engaging their ministry.
Discernment has no timeline and is a life-long process that must be intentionally engaged for all orders of the church or we are left with stagnant, non-responsive communities that are not equipped with the skills to serve as God’s house of healing, love and liberation.

We don’t actually need completely new discernment processes, pick your favorite discernment exercises and do that. But we can build a framework for evaluating if your favorite process is actually allowing space for a loving, life-giving and liberating experience. If we can outline some parameters, then the diocese could contextualize this framework and build a responsive and malleable process that more aligns with the Anglican tradition. In fact, in our Constitution and Canons, (Title III: Ministry) we have a clear mandate to create a culture of discernment for all orders of the church. And it is the job of Bishops and Commissions to provide the culturally appropriate space and frameworks for such discernment to occur.

Let’s start with some quick practical solutions the Commission on Ministry (COMs) Committee, that every diocese is required to have, could encourage a culture of discernment.

Each diocese equips and trains at least one lay leader in each congregation to support discernment/clearness circles where any person can do spiritual and vocational discernment. These leaders could then be considered for the COMs, beyond nominations at diocesan conventions.
COMs must meet to explicitly review their preference, traditions and requirements in order to unearth often invisible biases. This is a two step process of individual and then group discernment
1. Committee members must be allowed to have grace filled, brave and vulnerable space to explore and address their personal biases. The goal isn’t necessarily to change one’s beliefs, it is to be clear about our personal visions of ecclesiastical and sacramental leadership.
2. As a committee the individual reflections can impact how the group confirms what they believe are the requirements (traits candidates need to have in order to be postulants and candidates), the preferences (what it would be nice to see in a postulant or a candidate) and the traditions (an examination of all candidates, confirmed or denied, over the past 5-7 years in order to outline trends).
3. The creation of a committee that reflects the communities of accountability that candidates seek to serve. This might mean inviting people to the discernment table, like youth, to participate in decision making processes.

The real goal with this work of building up the capacity of the COMs is not to say that no good work has been done. It is to say that something is broken and that we are constantly in a discerning relationship with the divine. I don’t know if I would have gotten a yes to my application for ordination. Truthfully, I don’t have a clue if I would be a great priest. But I do know that there are better ways to support the seeker, desiring guidance for their vocational path.

Prepping for Semana Santa

Pursuing Call is a podcast and also a space of exploration. It desires the normalizing of uncertainty. I pray that this is an opportunity to journey together, exploring what God might be up to in our lives so that we can participate in God’s dream for the world. For me this is what Call is – God is at work in the world and God invites us to participate in the reconciling and liberative world that represents God’s dream. Unfortunately, systemically and at the group/individual level we engage in behaviors and create policies and systems that go against God’s dream. One of my few certainties is that fighting against will never be as powerful or sustainable as fighting for something.

As we journey through Holy Week, may it be an opportunity for us to understand God’s invitation. The current plan – each day this week is tol offer a meditation or reflection on the day’s readings with the hope that this will prompt you to journal and explore with me. What questions are we being invited to ponder and how might we practically engage in activities that build deeper knowing, greater clarity or more comfort with uncertainty.

I, like many, am influenced by the work of Paulo Freire and his concept of praxis. According to Freire, Praxis is “reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it.” This means that we act and reflect communally in order to actually engage in making the world less shitty – maybe even better. We cannot merely sit reflecting, we must act. And I dare say act beyond writing this essay or posting something on social media. Now that we are all back outside deciding that the pandemic is at a level that is acceptable, we must re-engage in ways that honors what we have been through and rebuilds a new normal that is more whole and loving than whatever we had before.

By staying curious and releasing our attachment to a particular outcome, we open ourselves to possibility. I often feel that manifestation conversations focus so much on you human making stuff happen for you. But maybe manifestation could be a practice of noticing what is already at work around us and in us and wants to come through us. Understanding what we desire, what we are good at and what the world longs for. It is in this inquisitive and exploratory state that we might be capable of doing something beyond our wildest imaginations. And this something might bring healing for ourselves, our neighbors and our planet.

As you prepare for Holy Week take a moment to get in contact with your body. Listen to the video above and move your body to see what happens.

Then sit to journal or write or speak or meditate on the following questions:

What matters to you right now? What is something that motivates you to wake up every morning and step into the world?
What are you good at? What do people say they appreciate about you? What gifts or skills do you bring to the party?
What is something that you have been longing to learn? What challenges you into deeper knowing? What might you be open to learning from another person?

Theological Base

My Seminary thesis, Ordaining the Disinherited, explored the experience of women of color ordained priest in the Episcopal Church. In my research, I looked at the Canons (rules) of the church. It explicitly stated that we should be creating options for discernment for all believers, not just those seeking ordained ministry. Raising two questions: what does a culture of discernment look like? How does one build up their capacity to “listen to what the spirit is saying to God’s people?”

While a professor thought that I was ready for PHD work, I realized that I could just start a podcast, Pursuing Call. It has been an opportunity to listen to people talk about the in between space, not just the final product. In the time of social media, we can believe what we see and we can curate our lives to be glorious and happy. But what got us to that place of celebration? What happened before the pic was posted? And when the world falls apart, how do we build back better? What I am hearing from folks is this: they have a theological base. They have spent time exploring what they know for sure. Having a place where you know what motivates and guides you when you are alone and no one is watching and life is completely falling apart; what is it that brings you back together again.

Perhaps you remember the This I believe essay project? Based on a 1950’s radio program, the project helped people write short essays about their beliefs. Folks wrote about everything from a sports teams to God. What I loved about this project is the capacity to write deeply and succinctly about their grounding place.

As a young church girl, I remember the hymn On Christ the solid rock I stand. But really, what does that rock look like? fell like? How does it nourish you?

Here are some things I know for sure:

God is God: creator, sustainer, redeemer, friend and eternal life coach

The universe is conspiring in my favor and if I remain open, surrender – which means not try to predict or control the outcome, I will find my liberation and I will find my freedom so that I can participate in the liberation and freedom of all things loving and living in community.

So what is your theological base?

Day 1 – 30 minutes

Sit somewhere silently with limited distraction, pen, paper.
Pick any story from your childhood that comes to mind.
Write down that story.
Give gratitude for that story, regardless of its outcome.
breathe deeply in, breathe deeply out release what needs to be released and welcome that which brings you life.

Day 2 – 30-45 minutes

Sit somewhere silently with limited distraction, pen, paper.
Pick any story from the middle of your life to date that comes to mind.
Write down that story.
Give gratitude for that story, regardless of its outcome.
breathe deeply in, breathe deeply out release what needs to be released and welcome that which brings you life.

Day 3 – 30 minutes

Sit somewhere silently with limited distraction, pen, paper.
Pick a recent story that comes to mind.
Write down that story.
Give gratitude for that story, regardless of its outcome.
breathe deeply in, breathe deeply out release what needs to be released and welcome that which brings you life.

Day 4 – 60 minutes

Sit somewhere silently with limited distractions and your three stories
Read the three stories you have written down.
Is there a theme? Are there words that pop off the page?
What from your story resonates the most for you?
What might the spirit be saying to you in through these stories that came to mind? Why do you think you picked those stories?
After reflecting on these questions – free write for about 10 minutes or as long as you have time for.
Give gratitude for this time.
breathe deeply in, breathe deeply out release what needs to be released and welcome that which brings you life.

Day 5 – 90 minutes

Sit somewhere silently with limited distractions and your three stories
Review your free write and random thoughts or words that you explored earlier.
what are the life giving patterns that helped you navigate life?
Work on a this I believe statement. What do you know for sure? What can you return to that helps you lovingly, with grace for yourself and others, wake up each morning to make the world less shitty.
Give gratitude for this time.
breathe deeply in, breathe deeply out release what needs to be released and welcome that which brings you life.

Day 6: share with a friend and talk about it… you might change what you wrote.

Why I love the Terrell Show

I honestly can’t remember what semester in Seminary my friend introduced me to the Terrell show because…what is time… but at some point, it became the only thing I watched. Writing a thesis on ordination, doing my full time job, listening to Omar Sosa and watching the Terrell Show (repeat). It was a cycle of survival. But of course, my analytical mind began to notice all the ways that Terrell Grice is a pastor. Those of us who work in a ministry context can learn a lot from his ability to host people, honor where they are, listen to what lies beneath and allow space for one’s whole self to show up.

Now if you are interested in a really well written article about why Terrell is super duper awesome. I would suggest this article by TARISAI NGANGURA. This post will mostly be a theological version of fangirling.

To begin the journey, start with the Clark Sisters’ interview. Based on what I have cobbled together from interviews with Terrell, Jackie (the sister sitting in the middle) had recently lost her husband and she was not in the mood. It is clear that all of them are not quite sure why they are there, who Terrell is and if he even knows anything about them. By the time the interview concludes, you can notice the physical transformation of each, particularly Jackie. It isn’t that he forced her into joy, but rather he allowed her to show up where she was and feel how she was feeling. It is a beautiful thing to watch. By entering into a vulnerable space and sharing how their music was integral to his spiritual development, the sisters are no longer interviewees, but friends.

Next, I encourage you to check out this interview with Ledisi. I love it because she spends a lot of time fangirling on him. And I think her incites really exemplify why he is so popular.

In this last video, Terrell invites one of his fans to join him at the blue wall. About 11:00 minutes in after encouraging her to sing beyond her comfort zone, he invites her to stretch her voice even further by sharing her coming out story. In many church stories folks call this testimony. For me, testimony is not about sharing your business, it is offer story as a sacred space for communal growth. The one who hears the testimony may be any character in the story. Ideally the Spirit is then given space in this vulnerable hearing and speaking experience to transform what needs to be transformed; to give space for expansion; for spiritual/psychological/physical maturing…..

It is my greatest hope that I will one day have the honor of interviewing Terrell on these things, but in the meantime, I a wonderful youtube channel for endless rewatching and entertainment.

Here are some other amazing episodes that explore the intersection of ratchet-holiness.

Inayah Lamis – Definitely parental advisory

Jonahtan McReynolds – get your prayer clothe

Mali Music – I mean there is a piano and its Mali

Durand Bernarr – he is a singing fool and you should watch the multiple episodes he has.

Amber Riley – she is one of the only people to get all the songs!

Vincint – they are clearly friends, perhaps more???

And really – you should just look at his youtube channel

PSST: Lala Hathaway and Cynthia Erivo

Follow Terrell on all the things: @terrellgrice

What is Church part 2: Jesus on the Bar Stool

As I continue to look back in old files, I keep finding content that basically affirms the questions I continue to explore. This article was printed a few years ago in the Diocese of Long Island publication that asked, ” where do I see Jesus today?” God is everywhere and yet we often limit where and how we experience the divine. This article explores how I have experienced the divine at my local watering hole.

My immediate reaction to this question, “Where do I see Jesus today?” –a bar stool or perhaps a pub. One of my favorite places is my local towny bar (a reference to a local watering hole that is populated mostly by people living in the community). I know that some of you, at this point, have decided that this is not the article for you, but, please, read on. I am very aware of the complex relationship people have with alcohol in our society. The culture of addiction related has caused serious injury and sometimes death to members of our families, our church communities, and our country. For some of us it is even more deeply personal. So the reflections offered here can show up at your local coffee shop, favorite restaurant, or community center.

The English model of the pub, is a “public house” or the living room of a community. Children are welcomed in a pub and families, friends and neighbors gather for good food, interesting conversations and the opportunity for updated gossip about the goings on of the community. I try to find spaces in New York City that resemble this approach to the watering hole. Living in such an urban environment, I sometimes forget to slow down long enough to have a genuine conversation and connection with neighbors. After a long commute on public transit, I need to be in a place that reminds me that all of humanity isn’t as crappy as it sometimes seems. Happy hour is a cost-effective and quiet opportunity to connect with strangers, learn about people’s lives and have authentic conversations. The awkward truth is that I have spoken more about my relationship with God and Jesus at the bar than in church meetings. So explore with me the characters I’ve encountered on a usual night.

First, the bartender. This person is like a priest. Although they might be nice because they want a good tip, they don’t really have to pay that much attention to a patron to make a good living. The key here is that they are willing to listen without judging. Like a confessional, they will for the most part, keep your business to themselves. I am not sure what it is about this person in this service position that makes people comfortable to talk about cancer recovery, divorce, loneliness, infidelities, you name it! I could easily say its the alcohol talking, but there is something deeper at work. The longing of this person to be heard is so intense that they find a trust-worthy person and unload their burdens. To watch the exchange of genuine authenticity is a transforming experience.

Next, the old drunk guy. He’s been going to happy hours so long that it is a way of being rather than a chosen act. He will propose to me at some point in the evening and I will again explain that “I could be your grandchild, but I am so flattered by the offer.” He will reveal intimate details about his life’s struggles and pains, his failed relationships, his journey to the US, his adventures as a professional dart thrower (I am not making this up). The only miracle being performed is a young person willing to acknowledge the wisdom in his stories, that he is not a bad person, but a person to whom bad things happened and he will continue on this journey growing each step of the way or ignore it all –his choice. Either way, each of us is transformed by this interaction whether we acknowledge it or not.