Prayers for Dark People

Yesterday at my spiritual direction meeting, I discussed my current issues with prayer. The other night I was saying my prayers before falling asleep and felt like I was talking to nothing, no one. Nothing was there. I have been feeling a very silent God in my life at this moment and this is one of the first times in my life that I have felt this way. I was reminded in the meeting that most of God is silence. This is hard to handle. I like feedback, I like speaking and listening and interacting. Silence is my difficulty. SO all this to say, at the end of my meeting, I was given this book by W.E.B. Du Bois “Prayers for Dark People”.

I started reading it on the train this morning. There is a lot in these short readings, but I felt the need to write about this one prayer that ends this way:

the Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious with you–the Lord lift up the Light of His Countenance upon you and give you War that out of the dust of battle and travail of soul, bitterness of defeat and anguish of sorrow, some day shall come forth the Perfect Soul.

I think this passage strikes me so much because I feel like the discernment process is war. It is an internal battle with the demons of insecurity, doubt, and uncertainty. To ask God a question feels more like a battle that will eventually yield a perfect soul, but I haven’t gotten to that part yet. I also think it is a better way to think about what a battle is. It isn’t a kind of war over power or things, but a fight for one to be better on the other side.

When I first started the discernment process I was continually reminded that I would have to work through not around my issues. Whatever was haunting me would have to faced, clawed through, battled and on the other side I would be better for it. I think that’s true–but I haven’t got to the other side yet. Who knows if I will for the next 20-30-40 years of life.

May all these painful battles yield the perfect soul. Amen.

How do you listen?

It has now been a while since I got my, “we don’t see a call letter” and I am still trying to listen and then make a decision about what I am hearing. On one hand, I feel like God is calling me to stay where I am. There is so much work that can and needs to be done around the diocese and I know that I could be a catalyst for change. On the other hand, there is still this nagging, “you know you are called to sacramental ministry, it’s time to move across to the other diocese and start worshiping at a new church.” And there are people in my diocese who say that I shouldn’t give up here. But I don’t want to wait two three years before I find out what to do next.

It is a difficult and confusing time, but I am off to music camp and this has always allowed me an opportunity to listen to God’s call. That is my prayer. I feel like I am listening, but now I have to make a decision about all that I have heard. That seems to be more difficult than anticipated. Listening with ones heart open makes it more difficult to decide with one’s heart open.

The other day I had this thought, “is a relationship with God like an abusive relationship?” I know it isn’t God that does the hurting, sometimes its the church, but you have to go back to the thing that hurt in order to heal… It’s a little schizo or is that just me?

Prayers of the People

I have so fallen off this blog and I can’t even pretend to think that I am going to keep up on it like I did before. But during spiritual direction last week we discussed me doing things that I would want to do as an ordained person that I can do without being ordained, if that makes sense. So I know that one thing I would for sure want to do is write the prayers of the people and empower members of the congregation to do so as well. Because it is so hard and so easy to do this. It is a good spiritual practice for the week. So here is the one that I wrote for Palm Sunday. I am sure that I probably stole some lines from other places like the Book of Common Prayer and an alternative prayer I found on-line when I googled alternative prayers of the people. Let me know what you think and feel free to steal it and modify as you see fit!

As we journey this week with Christ and celebrate the paschal mystery of his death and resurrection, let us pray to God for all people’s everywhere.

We pray for your church; those with walls and those without. May we always remember that this is holy ground and you are calling your church to act in the world as caretakers and liberators. We pray for Justin the archbishop of Canterbury, Catherine our Presiding Bishop, Lawrence our Bishop, Michael and Christopher our priest, Pope Francis as he embarks on his new ministry and all ordained persons in your church that as they lead your people in the way of the cross they may also find strength.

Lord in your mercy.
Hear our prayer.

We pray for this nation. We pray for Barack, Joseph, Members of congress, state and local officials that they may keep the way of justice as their mantle. That they may work for the good of the people of this nation, this world, and this planet. We ask that you to help them to remember the power of reconciliation, partnership, and compromise.

Lord in your mercy.
Hear our prayer

We pray for the world. We pray for all who live in lands of conflict. For those who work to defend peace even when there seems to be no clear path. We pray for those who do not have the basic needs of life. For those who will not eat, sleep in shelter, have access to clean water, or feel the love of another. We give thanks for your servants who like Jesus travel into the darkest corners of the world to share your light. May we have the courage so to do.

Lord in your mercy.
Hear our prayer.

We pray for peace in our hearts, homes and lives. For peace in our communities, places of worship, and governments. For your light of peace to so inhabit our spirits that it shines bright.

Lord in your mercy.
Hear our prayer

We pray for this earth our island home. May we understand its gifts and use its resources rightly to the honor and glory of your name. That we may learn to live, work and play in harmony with creation, fully aware that your gift of dominion over this place is also a requirement of responsibility.  And may we have the strength to act in our daily lives to preserve and restore this gift.

Lord in your mercy.
Hear our prayer.

We pray for those who suffer any harm or danger. Especially those whom we speak aloud now or in our hearts.
May you shower them with your healing power to work through the pain. Help them to discern the next steps for their journey, surrendering to your will and trusting that you are God.

Lord in your mercy.
Hear our prayer.

We give thanks. We are thankful for those who take risks so that the joy of your kingdom may be experienced here on earth. We give thanks for your beautiful creation, for the smell of flowers as they bloom, for the horizon of summer. We give thanks for families given to us and chosen by us. We give thanks for the gifts and talents of the people of this congregation. May we always have strength, courage and the will to share it with the world. We thank you for this gathering today and most importantly we thank you for your son Jesus Christ. May we walk with him this week in humility, hope, strength, and faith.

Lord in your mercy.
Hear our prayer.

We pray for those that have died. We especially remember those lives lost in conflicts around the world and in our communities. We give thanks for those in our lives who now dwell with you, especially those we name aloud or in hearts at this time.
May the souls of the departed be at rest in you.

Lord in your mercy.
Hear our prayer.

Are you ever jealous of Jesus?

I know that I couldn’t have been one of the first disciples of Jesus. I mean, they weren’t all that great at their job, but I would have totally been Judas. Here’s the thing:

Listening to God is hard because there is this interpretation piece you have to work through long before you get to the part where you have to choose to take God’s words or not. Listening to God requires use of the heart, not just the ears. It means that I have to pay attention to myself, my feelings and the world around me. That is some difficult work!

Once you have discerned what God has said, you then have to interpret that into action. Ok, maybe you can then choose to interpret that into action. So if I am choosing to walk in the path of God, I must be vulnerable to the call, be centered in the call and then move forward knowing that I am guided by God in that call.

Then here comes Jesus with all his certainty…most of the time (that cross really was a difficult one to face). For example in today’s reading from Mark, the disciples are in the boat, its rocking and they are having a difficult time keeping themselves upright. What does Jesus do, he just walks right on the water. No fear. He just knows, I am God so here I come. And then it says that he was about to pass them, but decides to turn around and get in. As soon as he gets in the winds stop. Once they finally get to the other side, the disciples have to fix up the damage done to said boat, will probably have to procure food and lodging. What happens to Jesus? He gets swarmed like the Beatles coming to America! and then all the people are healed by simply touching his cloak.

ok, maybe my interpretation of the story leaves out the part where Jesus has to try to get this rag tag troop to actually believe in the power of God at their core and to believe that they can do what he does if they are centered in God as he is, etc.. and then there is that martyr thing.  But in today’s story, I have to feel for the disciples. I guess being a disciple is like being  roady and the roadies are always jealous for the rock star. If I was a disciple, I would probably be Judas.

I would like to preface this post with the fact that I have been watching several episodes of CSI:Miami on Netflix and this may have crowded my judgement about people who kill out of jealousy.

Testing Global Citizens

Check out this article on deforestation and tell me what you think. This doesn’t necessary have to do with pursuing a call, but I am trying to see how this Global Citizens site works and I do have to say that being a Global Citizen is akin to pursuing God.

http://www.globalcitizen.org/Content/Content.aspx?id=0881d47f-754b-45df-92b0-6fd693f549a5&rby=1f4c065f-c448-490d-b05f-41e347bee594

Reflections on healing: 1.8.13

While doing the daily readings a couple of weeks ago, we did two days in John. I wrote the following blog while on the train on January 8, 2013.

In the past two day’s readings we encounter people who meet Jesus and are healed. One is a desperate father who wants healing for his son and today it is a “lame” man at the temple gate. The thing is, there healing does not come from some grandiose gesture. There is no call to repent. Jesus doesn’t push them down while there is shouting and screaming…. Jesus merely gives instructions, “your son is already healed go home” or “take up your bed and walk.” There are a few things that strike me:

1. There is no hesitation on the part of those who are healed. No one says, “you sure, because I been sitting at the gate of this place for years unable to really move. Who are you to heal me?” To just follow without question and with complete faith that what Jesus says is true.

2. The message is clear. I often covet biblical times for this reason, to have a direct conversation with Christ with some real clear instructions would be helpful. Now if it were to happen I might be a bit freaked out, but it would make life a bit easier. Instead we get signs and words from people and things around us. The spirit works in mysterious ways. But sometimes all that interpretation makes me confused and hesitant about my life choices.

There was a time when I could trust myself, but more recently, that sharp intuition that I relied on so heavily has seemed to send me down a meandering path where everyone else seems more certain about the choices I should make than I am. It can become quite overwhelming if I am honest. So I have decided to try to stop making so many choices and decisions about my life’s path. Maybe it is time to live for today and now: to live in the present rather than interpret everything as a sign for the future. It is basically the old adage, “let go and let God.” I thought that this is what I have been doing all along, not so much.

3. In the story from today Jesus asks if the man wants to be healed. Often when I am in a sad or depressed place I am asked if I want to be happy. If I am honest– hell no! There is something comforting about being broken as painful as it may seem. Living in familiar pain seems more palpable than living in joy. I think its because healing also involves some form of pain because this healing thing is unpredictable. And the unknown can be far more overwhelming than a pint of ben and jerry’s oatmeal cookie chunk while watching depressing movies on Netflix.

So what do these stories teach us? Have faith, ask for what you need, listen and then follow the instructions, even if you aren’t a part of the group or don’t know who Jesus is, he will still heal you… I am sure that there is more, but maybe that is enough for today.

Allowing space for a new story

A Future Not Our Own by Oscar Romero

It helps, now and then, to step back
and take the long view.
the kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is beyond our vision.
 
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of
the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
Nothing we do is complete,
which is another way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
 
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings wholeness.
No programme accomplishes the church’s mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.
 
This is what we are about:
We plant seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces effects beyond our capabilities.
 
We cannot do everything
and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for God’s grace to enter and do the rest.
 
We may never see the end results,
but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders,
ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.
 

For the past few months I have been processing what rejection means. Why have I been told that I don’t have a call to the priesthood and I guess the answers are more complex than can be explained at this moment. But what it has done is humble me. The thing is that whether I am ordained or not, my job is to do God’s will. And that doesn’t mean that I will see the kingdom, it doesn’t mean that I will see the end results of my part in this project. My job is to make peace with the “future not our own.” As I watch clergy and others engage in acts of social justice/change…I realize that it is so easy to think that we are going to make something happen. It is easy to believe that we are the ones at work in the world. I guess a part of my yearning for ordination is very much about being a builder rather than a worker. I am talented and there are solutions in my head for the world’s problems, but that doesn’t mean that I have to implement them all or be ordained to execute.

Below is a video from an Israeli graphic designer trying to change the image of the Middle East. He is doing one small act that changes the story and recognizes a future not his own. In another TedTalk, Chimamanda Ngoze Adichie talks about “the danger of a single story“. To acknowledge my smallness and my inability to actually see the end result, is a process of telling myself a new story. So maybe social change is that simple–be a worker who offers a simple and yet radically different story. Here is what that might look like:

 
 

Today’s Reflections on a reading from Isaiah

“Everyone loves a bribe and runs after gifts. They do not defend the orphan, and the widow’s cause does not come before them.”

During the holiday season there is a great deal of people who beg on the train. I think there are a couple of reasons for this. First, people seem more generous with their funds during a time that is consistently talking about peace and being thankful for all that we do have and giving to the less fortunate. Second, it’s getting colder (well thanks to global warming, maybe not that cold) and with cold comes more anxiety and fear around survival. If one is living in the streets or on an edge towards hunger and homelessness, things don’t feel as hopeful, I would imagine. Thirdly, there are more tourist, and tourist feel pretty bad about saying no.

When I first came back home from VT, I was very eager to give my money away. Every time someone asked, I would have a pile of coins in my pocket and give up something. And then time passes. I get annoyed and frustrated, saying to myself, “not you again. I know you dude. If you just get off at this stop there is a soup kitchen upstairs and a church with an amazing outreach program.” But I don’t give them that information nor do I give them money. So this person is then left with nothing. Or I don’t really know.

There is a line that I am very aware of. If I missed my next paycheck for some reason, I would be ok. I have enough in my savings account to survive. But if I missed another one, then things could start getting hairy. And if I missed another one, then I might be out on the street or up for eviction. The line between the person begging on the train and me is not that thick. I like to think that the social nets of society would carry me and hold me. But we all know that this is a lot more difficult than is perceived. I also like to think that my spiritual community and family/friend networks would help support me so that I could get past the hump. But what if the hump becomes higher and broader than originally expected? What would I do then? Would I be on the train with my bassoon attempting to make some extra cash to get through the meantime? Would my church be there to support me? Would my friends and family have the means to help me get by until I could figure out how to get by on my own? What if they too come across hard times? Am I in a place to support and be their net?

This are really complex and difficult questions. When I think about the role of the church family it is in part to be a net in the complex web of society so that we can cushion the blow a bit. Or maybe even stop the impending moment. Through prayer, practice, gifts, etc… we could put those who are pushed off the cliff or jump at the center of our worship there with Jesus. Isaiah doesn’t even seem to be asking us to do much. Just be aware of the pain and suffering of those who are the outcasts of society. Living in NYC and riding the public transit everyday, I am very aware of the “orphans” and the “widow” the difficult question of course is what should I Tamara Plummer be doing about it. That seems far more difficult than recognizing. Now if you are not even noticing the despair around you, I offer you to take a moment, to open your ears, your eyes, and your heart and to listen to it all in patience with the other and more importantly with yourself.