So there have been a variety of things to distract me for the past couple of weeks-hence no postings. But I am going to try to get back on the horse with this hopefully brief reflection.
1. Learning to say no: Last week I played an Opera which was one of the most draining musical experiences of my life–and not in a good way. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do, but I did it out of a sense of obligation. My therapist said, “you do that a lot. Why can’t you just say no?” The answer is probably longer than I have time for right now, but it goes something like this: fear of disappointing others, a self-sacrificial syndrome, fear of break or harming relationships if I say no to things I don’t want to do, etc… The weird thing is I can say no in really mean ways and in extreme circumstances, but not in the mundane everyday things. For example, can you take me shopping to this or that place because I don’t have a car. My response, sure. Then the event happens, it’s taken up most of my day and I’m bitter. But setting limits would have made me less bitter, not an asshole. for example, I could say, yes, but I can only spend two hours doing this activity and then I need to do other things. That is often very hard for me. It will be a new skill to practice, especially if I think that I want to pursue a career where you could give all of yourself away too quickly. To give is not a bad thing, to have nothing left to live–bad idea!!
2. Avoiding personal truth by not engaging with my writing and not blogging will not stop me from having to encounter it. As I watch the Olympics (my favorite athletic event ever), I see folks push themselves to the limit not because they will win, just because they want to know how much they can put out there. They are engaged in their bodies in a way that connects them to others rather than separates. It’s such a beautiful thing to watch. But then I realize am I really pushing my limits, emotional, intellectual, and physical. How do I find the energy in my body and my spirit to be able to do that? I think you just do it and see what happens. There are times that I don’t want to go to a dance class and then it is amazing, not all the time. But maybe those times of amazing are worth the other times of, “why did I decide to do this?” Just maybe.
Pursuing Call 