I have fallen in love with the book of Ecclesiastes and so we will start there. Here are some highlights from chapter 9:11-18:

“the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong…mortals are snared at a time of calamity, when it suddenly falls upon them…The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouting of a ruler among fools. Wisdom is better than weapons of war, but one bungler destroys much good.” (BTW, I had to look up bungler so dictionary.com says it means: To work or act ineptly or inefficiently)

At this time we are allegedly done with the war in Iraq, we are still in Afghanistan, and there is the looming threat of war with Pakistan and Syria. Just so we all know, we are in the year 2012. I am saddened by the existence of war for global change. There seems to be more and more a push toward war so that the Western world can finally see the implementation of a democratic governance system where commodification, rather than Spirit or God or Humanity, lies at the center. It’s a war to acquire things.

Relieving human suffering seems to be an after thought, if it is a thought at all when it comes to modern day war efforts. Why have we gotten to this point when a Nobel peace prize winner (President Obama) can make a speech about justifiable war? What has happened to bring us to this point? Well, GREED. As the reading says, it takes one idiot to mess it up for everyone (not President Obama, I don’t think he’s an idiot at all. I’m thinking someone like a general terrorist–Timothy McVeigh for example scares folks into thinking that they need war to fix things and violence to quell violence). The truth is that we can only rely on one thing: Wisdom from those on the front line of all that we fight for and against; the mother who’s son dies; the poor man that has lived on the streets for most of his life. It is their stories that we should use for understanding how we should be in the world, what policies should be implemented. Wisdom-which for me is a connection between your spiritual and intelligent self; recognition of what has happened and what is possible- this is really the best weapon on the planet.To use what we know coupled with what we feel, if we are tapping into our positive emotional being, then there would be no war or it might take a different form.

WHAT WOULD AN ACCEPTABLE WAR LOOK LIKE?

probably more like a restorative justice meeting than what we know today. Picture it:

A group of world leaders in a room, praying to what they believe, meditating on their inner spiritual self on the same question for about two hours. This would be followed by a writing exercise where they reflect on what was coming to them. The leaders would break into groups of two and share what they have thought and learned, focusing on their commonalities rather than their differences. After this difficult morning of inner reflection, the leaders would break bread together and not talk about whatever argument they are engaged in, telling their personal stories of how they got to where they are. After all of this, they may spend months coming up with a decision that isn’t the best situation for anyone, which means that we may be closer to the best situation for everyone.

Here are the ground rules for the war I envision:

1. I am important, but my way is not always right
2. Truth is malleable
3. The peace of the whole may make me uncomfortable, but will bring piece to the parts
4. Preach always, if necessary use words (thanks Adrian Dominican Sisters)
5. I have two ears and one mouth.
6. Admit and accept any harm you have done to another person.

Last night was an emotional roller coaster. The discernment meeting process has begun and my ego filled questions, doubts, and certainty happened at various points during the meeting. These are confidential meetings, but I feel like talking about my own business doesn’t violate anything. If someone disagrees, please let me know.

So here’s the anxiety filled, I couldn’t fall asleep until 12:30 am moment: THE FORMS!!!!

There is so much to do when you are in the official discernment process. In the next week/by the end of the month I need to:

• edit my spiritual biography, but I am feeling like I might have to scrap and re-write the original one.
• find a spiritual director
• begin preparing/finalize/present a ministry experience where I felt called
• send in my SHE/CAP training form
• and work to work/live life as usual
• take things one step at a time
• breathe, pray, carry-on

The to do list, seems to be long, but it is all so doable. The best part is that I got to be number 2. this leaves me to be very forgettable or not. I like not being first, but being early in the process. Also, we don’t have any meeting in August or very many in September. God is good with the challenge and support, for that I am thankful. The emotional difficulties of discernment are not being compounded by the logistical necessities. I am always good with logistics–it’s my gift as an event planner.

The question I am struggling with most right now is: worthiness vs. predictions of truth. I have been asked several times if I believe myself worthy of love from a life partner person. Or do I think that I am worthy of God’s love? The second one is more complicated than the first.

In seeking a life partner person, I do think that I am worthy of and deserve an awesome amazing partner person and the love they have to offer. (I am probably more confident with the deserve than am worthy of.) I know that I should have someone in my life that loves me as much as I love them. As much as I know that, I also have strong doubts the truth–I don’t necessary do all the things the books tell me do when finding a partner person. I don’t enjoy manipulating someone I am trying to build authentic relationship with, I don’t where make up everyday or tap into my feminine as much as I am told that I should. Basically, I suck at “catching a man and keeping him”. I believe that I would have to be someone radically different, who thinks and acts differently than I am right now. I am the common denominator in all my relationships, so there must be something that I am doing wrong. But if I want an authentic relationship, then I must bring my most authentic self: she’s kind of weird. So its gonna take a kind of weird dude to be with me (what’s up Corey Booker? whenever you are ready to go on a date–let me know). So for relationships, it’s not my lack of worthiness I think, but my anticipation that how I present myself and who I am in the world will yield a positive result.

Then there’s this God question. My being says, of course God loves me and is calling me to serve God’s people as a priest in God’s church through the breaking of bread as a base of diverse community development. But am I good enough? Do I have faith enough? are my religious doubts liabilities or strengths? how can I be my authentic self and still say what I know folks wanna hear who actually hold my destiny? (i know speak what God has placed in your heart–but really there’s a hard part–this is still sometimes a job interview)

TANGENT THAT FITS: As I am writing this there was a little kid outside my window. He is randomly speaking aloud and eating his piece of bread, reacting in the moment and enjoying the sun and wonder of today. There is something so strong and amazing about how little children are able to do this. They can just be. When I was at the Brooklyn Museum’s first Saturday, there was this little girl dancing her heart out. People created a circle to allow her space to express. Eventually, adults infected by her presence began doing their own freedom dance. The adults looked pretty silly, but they were happy. Nothing could stop their joy until they came out of the trance and realized that there were several adults trying to figure out what was going on.

I guess there is somehow a line between worthiness and authenticity, a connecting line. I want to have the uninhibited strength that allows a child to do silly things so that others smile and intern the child smiles. But I am an adult and I want to infuse my maturity and understanding of this complex world into that freedom and wonder. How to do both? How do I find the space between? For me feeling worthy of anything can only happen if I am allowed to express my authentic self. When I am hiding that person or moderating her in order to match the expectations and needs of others, I feel quite unworthy of anything. But maybe that’s the trick. To know and be and feel even when I’m practicing.

Forward Day by Day is great because the writers are able to say my complex thoughts of the day’s lessons into simple terms. Today’s meditation is awesome and I offer it without comment.

Psalm 51. Make me hear of joy and gladness, that the body you have broken may rejoice.

Here’s this moment where David brings his crushed and sinful heart before the living God—his exposed adultery with Bathsheba. It has to be the Mount Everest in the long Himalayan range of psalms.

Nobody believes it or wants it, but Christ’s brokenness calls us to brokenness. Here a strange joy begins to sing when we are flat-foot in the ashes of our selfishness and bring it to Christ. As Samuel Chadwick wrote, “It is a wonder what God can do with a broken heart if God gets all the pieces.”

We seem to believe that we are happiest when we make life into some painless vacation cruise. The “crushed spirit” offered to God in confession of our own sin sounds archaic and damaging to our self-esteem. Psychologist Richard Erickson puts it this way: “The cult of self-esteem attempts to substitute disclosure and acceptance for repentance and forgiveness.”

But it is in brokenness and confession—nowhere else—that the burden is lifted, the truth is told, our cover is blown, and joy forcefully rushes in, because the mercy of Christ is birthing a renewed and clean heart. Amazing. Don’t waste your brokenness.

So as the title of this blog suggests, God got jokes.

As I read today’s Forward readings, I came across Psalm 51, which is written about below. But I have been splitting up the readings and the others are Ecclesiastes, which by the way is the bomb, and the Jesus walking on water one. Now I have read that story a bunch of times but never in this order: Ecclesiastes 5:7 “With many dreams comes vanities and a multitude of words; but fear God.” Then we got Matthew 14: “Peter answered him, ‘Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.’ He said, ‘Come.’ So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came towards Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’”

Ok so here is why this is so damn deep. As I was sitting here thinking, why am I still working in a job that isn’t what I think I am being called to do. I should just immerse myself in this possible priest thing. But if this priest thing works out, I think I will be praying to have these restful days back–just an aside. Really what I am saying is, “I’m big willy. I gotta be doing what God called me to do and this little thing right here is not boosting my ego enough.” You see it right—dreams=vanity; but fear God. I think I am learning a lot right now. It doesn’t mean that I am doing anything with this information. But I am learning that my job is not my identity. My self-worth does not come in what I do, but in how I be (thanks Iyanla). And having a position that I can leave at the end of the day is a helpful practice. Now the fear God part is that if I begin to lose my gratitude, then God will surely stripped me down until I know what I got and use this time as an opportunity to build and arm myself for the battle ahead. But then we get to Peter.

Now Peter had a dream–“Please let this Jesus dude be the son of God because I done left a whole bunch of important stuff in my life behind on a whim and a prayer”–a little like discerning for the priesthood and then going to seminary. At every opportunity Peter tries to convince himself through the doing that he is right: Jesus is the son of God and Peter is a Chosen participant in this revolution (image: Peter doing the cabbage saying, “go me, go me, i’m the bomb, i’m called!” ). I think that what Peter asks when he wants to come to Jesus is, “give me your strength and let me show you how much I trust you my home slice cause I need you to prove yourself, I need a clear sign!”

As the title of this blog says, when you ask god a questions, be prepared for the answer. Now I bet you that Peter didn’t think that Jesus would say, “well step out the boat then and come on down, what my walk, talk my talk, and carry my cross homie. If you wanna really be down and really want to know God’s truth, be in it with me…” At first blush I would think, “this is gonna be awesome, I’m about to walk on water.” But once you start the journey even the thought of failing can knock you over with a quickness. And this is what I think was happening for Peter and happens for me. To ask God–should I do this thing that seems so big and huge for me, but so easy for you, will I live up to your expectations? Will I have the faith to carry me over?

The redeeming is message is: Yes! Peter didn’t even have the faith to get to Jesus and he saw him in the flesh!!! Peter fell and did the most important thing in his fear and falling–asked for help! and Jesus stuck his hand out and helped him, then he berated him and said, “do better next time, just trust me!” Even more incredible this doubter is told, “you will be the rock of my church.” Homies; the first pope was totally fallible. As they say, “it’s not the falling that’s the sin, its the not getting up and asking for help to do so.”

I pray: the power to remember that God is with me, God is in me, God is all around me helping me through the mess. patience with myself so that I might have patience with other and space to make the mistake and carry on anyway.

Sometimes I think I am a Jew. I love Jewish celebrations (ok maybe I am just obsessed with food) and the overall sense of worthiness and yet self loathing that seems to string its way through the old testament. Today’s forward reflection is on Psalm 51. A good chunk of it is used in penitential services especially during lent. Here’s one small part of it:

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you alone, have I sinned,
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are justified in your sentence
and blameless when you pass judgement.
Indeed, I was born guilty,
a sinner when my mother conceived me.

See what I mean—I am a sinner and I can’t help it because I have been guilty and sinning since I was in my momma’s womb. There is something awesome about that, there’s a celebration of human fallibility in that that makes me feel a little less stressed about always trying to be perfect-cause I can’t. Now the other voice in my head says, “I’m doomed, might as well go to the bar and wait out the impending damnation.” And then it gets worse, an image of one of those angry preachers yelling at an embryo and saying, “you need to repent and return to the Lord.” (Comedy sketch anyone?)

And the other thing that always bothered me is, “against only you have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.” I don’t always get that one. From an analytical perspective, I think the key word here is sin. What does that mean? Does it mean against you only have I hurt, against you only have I done something bad? Against only you have I offended? Because I think that when I do something against the commandments (let’s use that as the litmus) then I am probably negatively impacting/offending/hurting a variety of people. But if you do a Google search of sin–i can’t believe my theological knowing is coming from Wikipedia– then the first thing you see from Wikipedia is “a ‘sin” is an act that violates God’s will.” AHA!!!!Now the second part “and done what is evil in your sight” really if you have a judgy family then you know that a lot of people have ways of seeing what is evil and making some really intense conclusions about that.

So why doi call this disturbing comfort? Well on a shallow note, there is that comfort in knowing where parts of a service come from, that moment when you say–oh that’s right I know that from stations of the cross… But at a deeper level it is why I love Jesus.. To be fully human and fallible, but also be able to access the divine. In Jesus we are able to experience both the human and the divine. We are not only fallible and sinful, but amazing and beautiful parts of creation that God loves. So thanks Psalm 51 for letting me pound my chest and say, I’m sorry. But also and possibly more important thanks for allowing me space to turn things around just because God loves me.

Most recently, the anxiety is coming back. My first meeting is next week for the seekers. We meet in a group of 10 (4 seekers, 4 companions, and 2 group leaders). Yes I may have googled all the people in the group and maybe I even compared and judged a little. But the truth is that this group is tackling a really difficult question: “what is God calling me to do and be in the world so that God’s kingdom will be revealed?” That’s kind of a big one. So a little anxiety is possibly an acceptable first response. The problem is that I fall into the anxiety and start to doubt my beliefs, doubt my abilities, doubt that I am listening to god and instead paying a lot of attention to my ego.

There is something about these doubts that are helpful, but they can’t control how I move through the world. To obsess about what I am not means to feed the negative ego–thanks Iyanla. And as the episode of Oprah’s life class taught me last night is: “what you feed will grow.”–thanks TD. And right when I think that I am going a little crazy, when I feel a little confused about what God is calling me to be. When the anxiety starts to take over God sends me a note.

As you may know I am a little obsessed with the Tell Me More podcast (I’ve been catching up with episodes and I am currently on January 2, 2012). So I was going to write about anxiety and doubt and worthiness or the lack there of. But then I hear this statement from an interview with Bruce Feiler, a writer and cancer survivor: “Well, to me, so much in life comes back to the dining room table. It comes back to sitting around and opening yourself up to the people around you and saying, OK, let’s start. Let’s start with a conversation. Let’s start with telling ourselves a story.”

The words seem so simple and yet it is huge. Every time I doubt, if I ask for a little guidance then I am reminded that bringing back the dinner table so that acceptance and equality are born out of intense relationships is my calling: Relationship activism. I may not be the best candidate to do this and its gonna require a lot of self work and patience and a whole lot of faith, but as the saying goes:

GOD IS WITH ME
GOD IS IN ME
GOD IS ALL AROUND ME, HELPING ME THROUGH THE MESS

I’m gonna keep trying to write that as many times as I can in this blog–I need the reminder a couple times a day.

So today’s question: Who can you have dinner with today that you don’t really like, but want to know more about?

According to St. Paul a Bishop should:

• Be above approach
• married only once
• temperate
• sensible
• respectable
• hospitable
• an apt teacher
• not a drunkard
• not violent, but gentle
• not quarrelsome
• not a lover of money
• manage his own household
• keep his children submissive and respectful
• not be a recent convert
• be well thought of by outsiders

There was also something about keeping your wife submissive in the version I saw in my Bible. I am so glad I am not trying to be a Bishop… 1 Timothy is a funny moment!

I wonder what one’s qualifications would be to be a priest. I will come up with some and come back to it. Let me know what you think the qualifications are.

Right now the only one I am coming up with is:

1. God told you so. Well God told your spirit so, not your ego. I am still working through that one.

So I have been reading a whole lot of Iyanla Vanzant after watching way too much Oprah’s life class.In her book, Up From Here she says, “For men, doing is the defining function of the masculine persona. Being on the other hand, is spiritual. It’s an inward movement, a consciousness of the natural essence. Few men are taught the true spiritual essence of their masculinity.”

I don’t think its a stretch to take this even farther–doing is always placed over being. The new question is how to be me rather than do me. How can I be my full authentic self in a way that honors my spirit. Sometimes I think that I do spirit–go to church, do a daily devotion, write on a blog–but is that a true expression of my spirit? Being spirit is the next stage of reflection.