While doing the daily readings a couple of weeks ago, we did two days in John. I wrote the following blog while on the train on January 8, 2013.
In the past two day’s readings we encounter people who meet Jesus and are healed. One is a desperate father who wants healing for his son and today it is a “lame” man at the temple gate. The thing is, there healing does not come from some grandiose gesture. There is no call to repent. Jesus doesn’t push them down while there is shouting and screaming…. Jesus merely gives instructions, “your son is already healed go home” or “take up your bed and walk.” There are a few things that strike me:
1. There is no hesitation on the part of those who are healed. No one says, “you sure, because I been sitting at the gate of this place for years unable to really move. Who are you to heal me?” To just follow without question and with complete faith that what Jesus says is true.
2. The message is clear. I often covet biblical times for this reason, to have a direct conversation with Christ with some real clear instructions would be helpful. Now if it were to happen I might be a bit freaked out, but it would make life a bit easier. Instead we get signs and words from people and things around us. The spirit works in mysterious ways. But sometimes all that interpretation makes me confused and hesitant about my life choices.
There was a time when I could trust myself, but more recently, that sharp intuition that I relied on so heavily has seemed to send me down a meandering path where everyone else seems more certain about the choices I should make than I am. It can become quite overwhelming if I am honest. So I have decided to try to stop making so many choices and decisions about my life’s path. Maybe it is time to live for today and now: to live in the present rather than interpret everything as a sign for the future. It is basically the old adage, “let go and let God.” I thought that this is what I have been doing all along, not so much.
3. In the story from today Jesus asks if the man wants to be healed. Often when I am in a sad or depressed place I am asked if I want to be happy. If I am honest– hell no! There is something comforting about being broken as painful as it may seem. Living in familiar pain seems more palpable than living in joy. I think its because healing also involves some form of pain because this healing thing is unpredictable. And the unknown can be far more overwhelming than a pint of ben and jerry’s oatmeal cookie chunk while watching depressing movies on Netflix.
So what do these stories teach us? Have faith, ask for what you need, listen and then follow the instructions, even if you aren’t a part of the group or don’t know who Jesus is, he will still heal you… I am sure that there is more, but maybe that is enough for today.
Pursuing Call 
This is a divine moment today. I have spent the past 10 months attempting to heal my heart from a broken romantic relationship. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and attempting to build a community of folks around me for support. The whole time I had been searching for signs on what to do next. I’d read my horoscope, ask people for advice, and overall just pray for a sign! This past weekend, I witnessed a really bad accident, and the whole thing got me thinking. Life is too short to be pining away for somebody. So I asked my ex on a date, thinking maybe we can work on this relationship. Instead of saying yes, as I’d been praying she would say, she said no… AND that she doesn’t see us getting back together again EVER. It hurt. It still hurts. But I’m trying to see the silver lining in my pain. There’s my sign… there’s my answer for my heart. It’s my time to listen to God and get up and walk away.
Thanks for sharing your musings. They’re meaningful to me in a lot of ways,