There is a moment when a woman carries another human, fills out paperwork or does a number of other things to become a mom. There seems to be something about this moment that changes a person. This is a moment when many see this female go from girl to woman to mom. She is instantly seen as an adult.
There is another moment, when a woman finds a partner, exchanges rings or moves in with a person that she thinks she might spend the rest of her life with. At this moment, people go from being single to partnered to woman, grown up.
Even in this modern day, having a child or being partnered is a litmus for adulthood. But as a single woman, no kids, no prospects for life long partnership and 40 looking back at me am I an adult? Will the world ever see single women with no children as adults before they get old. Like wrinkles, grey headed old. What makes a woman look an adult to others? To themselves?
Today I started going through a pile of papers that I routinely move from one location in my apartment to another. My favorite find, my L&T final portfolio. I stumbled on an “essay” about my arrival at Bard. In the piece, I describe a conversation/argument between my mother and aunt as I stopped at security to pick up keys for my room, “Let her do it. No, she needs help. Let her do it, she has to learn to do things by herself. No, she needs help, she’s not doing it right.” I don’t know who at the end of the day was really right, I probably chose my mom’s side. I am Jennifer’s daughter after all. But I digress. 19 years later, I am in an apartment where I pay all the bills, am in charge of my personal care, employed, degreed, independent, payer of taxes, coordinating my entertainment, building friendships, engaging in relationships, spiritually mature, etc…
By all accounts, I am an adult and yet, at times, I don’t feel that way. There are those who have known me my whole life, and at times I think they see me as my childhood self. There are those moments, when I look into the mirror and wonder who is this person looking back at me. What is strange is, I don’t think I am the only one. My current position has me working with many over the age of 50, and they often say similar things. They feel like their 20 year old self, but their bodies don’t cooperate anymore. Most of these folks have children, even grandchildren. What is it about our humanity that splits our perceived age with our real age? Does age, marital status, or parenthood indicate our adulthood status?
There are several men I know that seek to elongate their bachelor status. They seek to be seen as a “man” and yet spend little time engaging in relationships that are mature or long lasting. Their goal is fun, enjoyment, “chilling” is what they have to offer. Many of my single friends struggle with their dating life because of this phenomena. But I think I know what’s going on: Embracing adulthood requires us to embrace our immortality.
Adulthood is not fun, it is way better than childhood, or being a teenager, but its not fun. Any adult can tell you this. There is joy in adulthood, but happiness can be fleeting. Responsibilities, planning, required expectations, are all stop gaps to a world of forever. A place where our stories never end. I think this is why childhood and partnership (an opportunity to build a legacy) are so important. It gives us something beyond our current existence. It makes us live forever in a way. By passing on our DNA or building life with another our physical death no longer limits how we are remembered.
Today, we are surrounded my virtual ways to enshrine our legacy. We don’t have to do something amazing, we don’t have to build large edifices or have a ton of money to be remembered. We simply have to tweet, write blogs, send text messages or post emojis to have a record of lives enshrined forever. This passed week they have been doing a series on privacy issues as we simply click “agree” to give away all our information. There are several theories on why people don’t care about their privacy on-line, but I wonder if it is more. Do we not care about privacy or do we not care that someone will know that we believed in something, existed, did things that mattered, was responsible, chose to care for others? Do we want to embrace our adulthood and let everyone know that we have matured into what our parents dreamed for us?
Pursuing Call 