So I recently went to a Mental Health Professional who told me that if I lost weight and went to over eaters annonymous a lot of my problems that I was describing would be solved. It would come to an end. 30-40 lbs of weight loss would eradicate any issues of self-doubt and confidence, and all the other crap that I carry, blah. Needless to say that I never went back to him and now owe him $125 for missing my follow up appointment, which I plan on paying, eventually…… If you want his information because you live in the NYC area and don’t ever want to make my mistake, feel free to contact me privately.
Anywho, I left this appointment balling, on the floor of the lobby bathroom because it was yet again a moment where some brown man was telling me that if I lost my gut, all would be ok and men would date me. But here’s the thing, big big girl Tamara of the mid-west had an easier time getting a date than pleasantly plump Tamara of NYC. And even more interesting “now I realize I was skinny” Tamara of High School loved herself way less than on the verge of a double chin Tamara of Today.
Here’s the thing that no one tells you, while eating as a source of comfort may at times come from painful places that need to be healed. Healing the pain will make me happier and more fulfilled and more vibrant and more attractive, living out of my joy will make people attracted to me and as I have learned this skill, it gets easy to “find a man.” But living out of my joy will probably not translate into immediate weight loss in the “right places.” My boobs and butt will probably be the first to go…And here is what’s more, why is finding a man supposed to be my number one priority in life and why is that based on my body? Yes, I want babies, and Yes it would make me happy to have someone else help me get into a dress than a pair of spanx, but there is something weird about the concept of needing verses desiring someone to be your partner. And that your desire to be partnered hinges on poundage instead of personality. And I am not saying that big girl status should be some kind of badge of honor especially when it is compromising our health
But as I have struggled with this conversation in my head over the past few months, I am sitting at my desk today, listening to my favorite show “Tell more More” (which BTW is getting cancelled in August–we should protest). As I listened this conversation came up and I had to just copy and pasted it and then write a blog about my experience. SO if you are a woman, particularly a Black woman who experiences pressure to feel attractive by being “fat in the right places” (best conceptual framing about this topic I have heard) then I think you should read this from a show on May 21, 2014:
MARTIN: But, you know, Cece, I’m interested because a lot of people have this idea that African-Americans are more tolerant of different sizes and body sizes and more accepting and even appreciative of the larger sized women. But you’ve been talking – one of the things you wrote about in your piece was how that isn’t necessarily so, especially in the dating world. You used the phrase which I thought was hilarious called you were in a mixed weight relationship. And that being the larger – being a bigger bodied person dating somebody who is of smaller frame – how people kind of gave you the message that maybe you shouldn’t be with this person or that he was – that you were just so lucky that he dated with you. Do you want to talk about that?
OLISA: Absolutely. Yeah, I think that there is kind of a myth that black women kind of get a pass for being bigger – that black women are kind of celebrated for having, you know, bigger bone structure and curves and all that. And I think one of the things that people kind of forget is that it’s a little bit nuanced – that sometimes it’s about being fat, but being fat in the right places. There’s difference between having boobs and a butt and having a gut. You know what I mean?
LEE: I agree.
OLISA: And sometimes – I think that goes across all cultures, right? But yeah, I think that even in the black community, there’s definitely a pressure to have a body of a certain type – whatever that may be, whatever that ideal is kind of decided on. And I think even though we can all be plus size and confident and big and still understand that we’re beautiful, somehow it always comes back down to dating. Sometimes – it’s always that warning of, like, don’t get too big, a man’s not going to want you, and things like that.
MARTIN: People say that to you?
OLISA: Oh my goodness, it’s either implicitly or implied. It’s – but the message comes across. You know sometimes, you know, people will come at you with the health thing of course, but it’s often times about being desired and kind of eliminating the idea, like, what if I think I’m pretty? What if I think I’m OK? If a man doesn’t think you’re OK, then it’s a problem. And it needs to be addressed right away which can be really confusing when in every other aspect of your life, you are confident.
If you want to read more of Cece Olisha’s awesome you can find her website here: (this article in particular is pretty awesome).
And thanks for reading this long ass blog
Pursuing Call 