I struggle with this. I know that the spirit of the Living God is all around me. I feel it when I open myself to the possibility. But Food often feels like so much of a better substitute than being in communion with Jesus. To do that I must be in silence, face the fears, anxiety and stress that is causing my well to dry up. That would require some really hard work. It will make me sad and feel even more empty, what to do then. Where is the tangible thing that will fill me?
Recently, I have been attempting to go out on dates, maybe find a boyfriend who will evolve into a husband… I am getting up there. I know everyone is going to say, “33 is not old Tamara.” I hear you, but if you would like to have a child before 40 so that you can retire by the time you are 65/66, that means meeting the husband nowish so that we have time to court, go through the ups and downs of a relationship and get engaged, then married, enjoy marriage together and then have a baby…I only have 7 years to accomplish all of this. And based on how briskly the past 33 have gone–I am starting to realize that I may have a life of being a single person. Or maybe he will come this year, only God knows.
But why do I say all this and what does this have to do with an empty well? Well, I desire a family as a source of filling my well. And not the family that you choose or the friends that are also single and living in their own land. Like people who have to talk to me and come home at the end of the day. There is a deeper bond in that community. So my struggle is, is my desire for a husband partner person, a desire to not be thirsty in a physical sense or a spiritual sense. Am I trying to replace a relationship with God with a relationship with a man? Mostly, I don’t think so, but I wonder where the physical desires of food, drinking, drugs, shopping, relationships, etc… is about not dealing with the real stuff and where they are merely (ok maybe not the drugs?) band aids or adornments to a complete person?
Pursuing Call 