This summer, I made the decision that I would not do any work on me this summer. Basically, I would just go to bars with friends, and flirt with men and have fun. It is to be in a way the kind of life that I never got to really fully engage in when I was in my 20’s playing the role of responsible adult, long before I knew what that was. And so here I am in the midst of summer. I came to a realization though which I actually think is beyond hilarious.
Yesterday, I had spiritual direction and he asked the question that are the first words of Jesus in John’s Gospel, “What are do you want?” Yesterday, I flubbed through this question. I didn’t really know what I wanted. But then we flash forward. Today I am listening to a sermon by T D Jakes and the word is on listening for the voice of God when you are alone and in the silence. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. What I want is to not listen to the voice of God. All this running around is an attempt to block out the very thing that I say I desire which is a deeper connection to God through his son Jesus Christ. But in reality this summer is really focused on not paying attention to God’s message because I am deeply afraid of what God has to say.
Pursuing Call 