The question I am struggling with most right now is: worthiness vs. predictions of truth. I have been asked several times if I believe myself worthy of love from a life partner person. Or do I think that I am worthy of God’s love? The second one is more complicated than the first.
In seeking a life partner person, I do think that I am worthy of and deserve an awesome amazing partner person and the love they have to offer. (I am probably more confident with the deserve than am worthy of.) I know that I should have someone in my life that loves me as much as I love them. As much as I know that, I also have strong doubts the truth–I don’t necessary do all the things the books tell me do when finding a partner person. I don’t enjoy manipulating someone I am trying to build authentic relationship with, I don’t where make up everyday or tap into my feminine as much as I am told that I should. Basically, I suck at “catching a man and keeping him”. I believe that I would have to be someone radically different, who thinks and acts differently than I am right now. I am the common denominator in all my relationships, so there must be something that I am doing wrong. But if I want an authentic relationship, then I must bring my most authentic self: she’s kind of weird. So its gonna take a kind of weird dude to be with me (what’s up Corey Booker? whenever you are ready to go on a date–let me know). So for relationships, it’s not my lack of worthiness I think, but my anticipation that how I present myself and who I am in the world will yield a positive result.
Then there’s this God question. My being says, of course God loves me and is calling me to serve God’s people as a priest in God’s church through the breaking of bread as a base of diverse community development. But am I good enough? Do I have faith enough? are my religious doubts liabilities or strengths? how can I be my authentic self and still say what I know folks wanna hear who actually hold my destiny? (i know speak what God has placed in your heart–but really there’s a hard part–this is still sometimes a job interview)
TANGENT THAT FITS: As I am writing this there was a little kid outside my window. He is randomly speaking aloud and eating his piece of bread, reacting in the moment and enjoying the sun and wonder of today. There is something so strong and amazing about how little children are able to do this. They can just be. When I was at the Brooklyn Museum’s first Saturday, there was this little girl dancing her heart out. People created a circle to allow her space to express. Eventually, adults infected by her presence began doing their own freedom dance. The adults looked pretty silly, but they were happy. Nothing could stop their joy until they came out of the trance and realized that there were several adults trying to figure out what was going on.
I guess there is somehow a line between worthiness and authenticity, a connecting line. I want to have the uninhibited strength that allows a child to do silly things so that others smile and intern the child smiles. But I am an adult and I want to infuse my maturity and understanding of this complex world into that freedom and wonder. How to do both? How do I find the space between? For me feeling worthy of anything can only happen if I am allowed to express my authentic self. When I am hiding that person or moderating her in order to match the expectations and needs of others, I feel quite unworthy of anything. But maybe that’s the trick. To know and be and feel even when I’m practicing.
Pursuing Call 