Sometimes I think I am a Jew. I love Jewish celebrations (ok maybe I am just obsessed with food) and the overall sense of worthiness and yet self loathing that seems to string its way through the old testament. Today’s forward reflection is on Psalm 51. A good chunk of it is used in penitential services especially during lent. Here’s one small part of it:
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you alone, have I sinned,
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are justified in your sentence
and blameless when you pass judgement.
Indeed, I was born guilty,
a sinner when my mother conceived me.
See what I mean—I am a sinner and I can’t help it because I have been guilty and sinning since I was in my momma’s womb. There is something awesome about that, there’s a celebration of human fallibility in that that makes me feel a little less stressed about always trying to be perfect-cause I can’t. Now the other voice in my head says, “I’m doomed, might as well go to the bar and wait out the impending damnation.” And then it gets worse, an image of one of those angry preachers yelling at an embryo and saying, “you need to repent and return to the Lord.” (Comedy sketch anyone?)
And the other thing that always bothered me is, “against only you have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.” I don’t always get that one. From an analytical perspective, I think the key word here is sin. What does that mean? Does it mean against you only have I hurt, against you only have I done something bad? Against only you have I offended? Because I think that when I do something against the commandments (let’s use that as the litmus) then I am probably negatively impacting/offending/hurting a variety of people. But if you do a Google search of sin–i can’t believe my theological knowing is coming from Wikipedia– then the first thing you see from Wikipedia is “a ‘sin” is an act that violates God’s will.” AHA!!!!Now the second part “and done what is evil in your sight” really if you have a judgy family then you know that a lot of people have ways of seeing what is evil and making some really intense conclusions about that.
So why doi call this disturbing comfort? Well on a shallow note, there is that comfort in knowing where parts of a service come from, that moment when you say–oh that’s right I know that from stations of the cross… But at a deeper level it is why I love Jesus.. To be fully human and fallible, but also be able to access the divine. In Jesus we are able to experience both the human and the divine. We are not only fallible and sinful, but amazing and beautiful parts of creation that God loves. So thanks Psalm 51 for letting me pound my chest and say, I’m sorry. But also and possibly more important thanks for allowing me space to turn things around just because God loves me.
Pursuing Call 